How do people do it?

Keep it together, that is. Today, I made a doctor's appointment, and when the office noted that I had canceled a few prior ones and needed to know why, I started to cry a little. Why? Because I have no support - no childcare most days. Because my family is out of state, and... not overly interested anyway. Because hubby and I often feel very alone here even though his family is nearby (I am quite used to being the "outsider"). Because I don't have a reliable babysitter aside from my oldest who has school and other activities. Because I don't have time to sit and eat dinner, cut my fingernails or even blow dry my hair in the morning, let alone schedule anything outside the house. If I do get out, it is for that specific event - no more. Business meeting? I get the requisite hour or two. Hair appointment? I have been interrupted in the middle of many to cut it short. Volunteer lunch? I don't even get the hour that everyone else does.

I do love my life, and I know how fortunate I am to have my kids in a good school - to be at home with them - to live in such a good neighborhood with so many positive things surrounding me, but.... there are hard days. Many times, I want to stay and talk to other mothers after preschool, but my 4 year old won't allow it - tugging, crying, yelling. Other times, I want to have a girls night out, but... find that I haven't made any deep connections due to lack of time (not interest - I do want friends - I just have SUCH limited time - hubby works long hours - no family support without strings, etc.).

So... I will continue to deal with my days.... Yesterday, made chicken noodle soup and took walks with the kids - let them help me dig out clothes for Good Will. I had fun. I sent belated birthday greetings to former valued family members who I don't see as often anymore - I sent a sympathy card to a friend whose father has just died and didn't even know that mine had (I thought she had been told by other friends) - I sent a get well card to an aunt who I am worried about and who always has my back :-). I do what I can.

So.. though I am often tired of sitting alone at the baby pool or longing for a girl's lunch out.... I will keep at it - invite family to dinner - continue to reach out to other mothers and people at school, volunteering, trying to have deeper conversations rather than just passing smalltalk - I will look forward to my new gym membership - I will rejoice in the fact that I have my bedroom back, my sanctuary because the boys seem FINALLY happy with their new bed - I will continue to make more time with hubby whether it is dinner out or back rubs and reading side by side in bed - I will look forward to my Olivia's high school adventure and happily fill out the volunteer form from her school - I will indulge my kids' interests and look for common connections in those forums - I will love my family and count my blessings everyday. ALL GOOD.

Sometimes ... I just get frustrated. Don't we all :-)? And ... I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I mean, there is so much suffering in this world, and I have it SO GOOD. It's just that I do get down sometimes, and I want to kick myself. Yesterday, I was dealing with tuition budgeting and trying to organize and clean, and I let my mind wander to certain truths in my life that just baffle me - that I have a family member who deliberately leaves my name off thank you notes even though I'm the one who buys the gifts (this person has said before that she didn't like me before she met me)- another who calls me names and tells me I'm old or fat to my face (tells crazy stories about me, tells me I can't cook, tells me my kids, thankfully, do not look like me, etc.) - another who refuses all invitations to my house and gossips endlessly behind my back (despite being forced to apologize to me years ago for doing the same thing - totally unprovoked). Anyway.... this is the roller coaster that we call life, isn't it? I just wish people would remember to treat one another well - like everyday is worth celebrating and like every connection has importance. Ugh - I have no point today. Any advice?