All work and no play....

... does make Sherri (me) a dull girl. And.... I'm not going to lose it a la Jack Nicholson in The Shining (as my segue to a rant indicates here), but.... I am snippy these days.

After days of folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher, making dinners that no one likes, and getting my winter frump on (UGGs, yoga pants, jogging bra, long-sleeved T, scarf, and hoodie), I get .... well... like I said, snippy (see, I even have advanced brain fry - not good for a writer who needs to be able to.... um.... use words).

I am torn between reveling in the fact that my boys want me to play card games with them, and want to perform holiday-inspired plays for us, and want to "help" me with everything in the kitchen lately... AND .... getting frustrated because I take five min. showers, don't even brush my hair, never watch anything I want to on TV, and .... do NOT get a single minute alone. My teen wants, wants, wants.... my just turned three year old is demanding as kids that age are. And... really .... none of this warrants complaining, but.....

It's just that, after doing the laundry, the dishes, the blah, blah, blah, I do NOT handle things well - even the smallest of skirmishes or late night requests pushes me over the edge these days. I snapped the other night when my five year old Milo (so new to that age, I almost said 4 :-) had the nerve to cry over a hang nail at 4 in the morning. I also snapped at him tonight (after the sweet boy washed his dinner plate for me - which will need to be... ahem.... washed again, btw - and drew me a picture and a holiday card all so I would "be happy") because, when baby sis Lil went to give him a card that she made for him (and had lovingly colored and taped and glued for quite some time in response to the card her gave her earlier :-), he said, angrily, "I don't like pink." And... when her little face fell, I just started to yell at him. He hid his face in his covers (it was bedtime), and... THEN - after the inappropriate, dramatic reaction... I soothed him, explained my position, gave a mini-lecture on the merits of saying thank you to gifts of any kind but especially of the heart. Truthfully, in his preschool mind, he probably just didn't want big kindergarten brother, Enzo, who was right next to him, to think he liked the card if it was pink (clearly a "girl color", right? ;-).

And.... speaking of big brother (a new 6 year old and experienced kindergartner, as you all know), I feel like my attempts to comfort him fell flat tonight. See... all day, they would NOT leave me my space in our 100 year old city victorian (i.e. narrow and close downstairs) house. I wanted to begin to clean up the dining room for our impending Christmas Day dinner with family, but they wanted to do art projects and had paper, markers, paint, glue, and glitter strewn from one end to the other. It is, currently, beyond me. I cleaned their room (on the third floor), put out games, laid out art paper, piled their favorite books, put their favorite Disney show on the TV and, still, they would not leave the first floor for the glorious playroom of a space on the third floor. Instead, they were downstairs, dragging Indiana Jones and Mario / Luigi costumes all over the place - changing into one, then the other (and each "quick change" required help, of course) - loud-talking, even screaming, crashing into an antique table when they tried to be a donkey under a comforter with a handmade donkey face (HIGH points for creativity and fortitude in execution on that one, but... come on.... my favorite table - broken? Screaming? REALLY? Help).

So... back to Enzo ... while he did "doctor" me back to health today with back rubs and ginger ale when I had a headache or drew me pictures and wanted to sit next to me and hug me most of the day, he is the ringleader in all of this. When I say go upstairs to play, he has the big fit, and he forbids the other two little ones from listening (secretly, of course, but I know what they're whispering about). So, I firmly told him that the bags of ice they had all filled in response to imaginary "head injuries", all had to be thrown away because they were melting and creating puddles. I cleared the dinner dishes (total crap tonight - soup, egg rolls, granola - whatever we could scare up with hubby at Steelers game), reminded him about the ice bags, and went about my business. He, with good intentions, took his soup bowl into the kitchen for me (and I know his technique - take the soup bowl, maybe she won't be mad about all the melted ice - but it is still appreciated :-), and... slipped on one of THOSE ice puddles (no "I told you so" here - it was quite apparent). Soup everywhere (like out of a movie everywhere - noodles on his head and all over the front of him - I stifled laughter, btw... and did assist him ;-)! I had to take the opportunity to hit home the lesson, so... the comforting fell a bit flat. We had tears all the way up the stairs to bed. And I tried to make him feel better - I did. BUT..... the other two little ones were nagging me AND poor Olivia needed to have an important paper proofread, and I was having trouble getting to it all.... Just stretched too thin. And not for just that moment.... ALL THE TIME lately.

Sigh. Geez... I really don't know what to say. Do I even HAVE a point? Anyway.... so... the photo: Not my delightful Irish Coffee. Texted to me by someone who did get out tonight (did I mention my hubby froze his ass off at the Steelers game and stopped by an Italian place in Bloomfield for warm food - so... locals, you know it's good :-)... tonight? Did I mention that?).

So .. do you guys lose it? Do you ever feel stretched too thin? OR, worse, like you've just scarred your child by committing some horrible act of indifference or insensitivity? Humiliation (yikes)? I know you're all busy.... this season is nuts. If you have input, please, by all means, fire away. I need a spanking - or a shoulder to cry on - not sure which yet.

Countdown to Halloween....

...can't wait. Some fun ideas here.

And ... a cool idea for those of you dealing with demanding teens with expensive taste (specifically in clothes :-).

Anyone surprised by the outcome of Top Chef last night? I was a little... creative guy... but made some mistakes in the past - and even last night (despite help from Michael V!) that I'm not sure were "Top Chef-worthy". Anyway.... no spoilers here - though weigh in if you want (and I know you will - text or email me, "cookie" ;-). I also started watching the new Top Chef: Just Desserts as well - immediately following (will take the former's timeslot at 10 pm next week) - wowee.... some divas on that show, eh?

Finally - quick question: Do you ever have someone NOT return an email or a call despite the subject matter / situation being VERY important? And, further, it appears that this person MAY be trying to gain an advantage by doing so? Appalling. Impolite. My two cents..... What do you think, though? I'm truly interested (and provide stories - you know I like to listen).

Photo: Last year - Halloween. I love my fall photos - especially Halloween - may revisit some from the past in the next few weeks ... post now and then. My zen.

Iron for my iron-willed boy.

OK - so, as you know, I am a worrier. My latest addition to the worry queue is Milo's low iron. We've dealt with this before - as his diet is pretty much bacon, apples, chicken nuggets and peanut butter with an occasional granola bar thrown in for good measure (and this is my optimistic list - the other, closer to the truth version, reads as such: chips, chocolate, popcorn, gummy bears, Coca Cola - oh... and milk..... lots and lots of milk, which causes anemia in young children due to the slight intestinal irritation and bleeding that it can cause in ... well.... all humans, really - awesome). He has the minor kidney issue I've alluded to before, so... gets his blood tested often. Most kids this age do not have to do that - I'm told by the doctors that low iron for this age group (toddlers, preschoolers and adolescent girls most common) is relatively normal, but... goes untreated because blood tests are not standard for well visits past infancy. His kidney specialist, who has 6 kids of his own (or is it 7? - usually we confer on such things each visit, but... geez Dr. M, I've lost count ;-), even reassures me that his own kids indulge in the "white diet" - the bagels and cream cheese, pasta with butter, white bread, etc., and... that it is maddening.

Anyway - we did deal with this before - and... he had to go on an iron supplement (which, when he was wee little, he did not taste in his foods or drinks - now... he detects it right away and spits it out - and, trust me, it is horrible stuff - like sucking on a piece of metal - or worse, drinking it - blah :-p). At the time, however, I also had low iron (have had the tendency my whole life too - former vegetarian - tend to overwork myself - got so low with my last pregnancy, I almost needed a transfusion prior to my c-section) because I was pregnant with Lil so was pushing iron in all foods in the house - PLUS Milo liked raisins, iron fortified cereals and did not mind the fortified pasta that I bought (now, he calls it the "flat pasta" for some reason and refuses it). So ... now - because his iron level did not improve at all in a 3 week period, his pediatrician, a man I trust implicitly, told me that, if he does not improve in this next 3 week period, we will have to get hematologists involved. I don't want to do this. The poor kid has already had a lifetime of tests far more intrusive than any adult should have to endure - plus a surgery before he was even a month old. This is his year to shine - to have fun - eat lunch with his friends at school - spend time with mommy on off days - and go back to his beloved gymnastics. It is not a time of repeated blood tests and frequent trips to Childrens' (as much as I love them ;-). I won't allow it.

So..... I have my old list of iron-rich foods up in the kitchen. I am back to letting him drink Coke in the morning because it is the only thing in which he MAY not taste the offensive dropper of liquid iron (a suggestion from a nurse who said that other parents have done this - thinking it might be the tinny, bitterish finish on Coke that hides it). I have little bowls of this fruit-sweetened iron-rich cereal all over the house that he MUST take a bite of before he has any sort of "real" treat (yeah - I know - weird - but... he likes it, so... I'm goin' with what I've got, know what I mean?). I get him chicken nuggets or waffle fries on command now (chicken and potatoes are both iron sources), I "cut" his regular milk with soy milk (another iron source), I bought iron-rich multi-grain crackers and let him have that with peanut butter for dinner (he is not a red meat or veggie kind of kid - nor does he eat mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, hot dogs or other kid-friendly foods) - I am thisclose to buying iron-rich baby formula to put in his ice cream and milk (though ice cream is now super-sweetened tofutti - the extra sugar so he won't detect a difference - Milo does not like to be trifled with ;-) - and I probably will get a multi-vitamin - gummy, of course and let him eat them all day long - a no no for any length of time, obviously, especially a child with kidney issues, but... we HAVE to "pass" this blood test on or around 17 Sept. I will feel horrible if my failings as mom who supposedly feeds her kids well but... nonetheless... still causes him further medical interventions. Though in my defense - I made a chicken dish, using blackstrap molasses which is another iron source, last night - plus I dug into our CSA veggies and roasted beets and made a field greens, goat cheese, onion, pepper and beet salad. I often make homemade meatballs, whip up a marinade for steaks - we do burgers constantly - BIG fave with everyone else in the house - and I do a pretty good occasional pot roast or boeuf bourgignon (sp? like really sp, I think - but I am anxious to post and get input) - love spinach - insist on veggies with every meal - oh you all know me.....

I know my pediatrician, Dr. K, means well. He loves Milo - really - is so sweet to my little Viking. He knows, though, that ... unlike other kids - even spirited ones - Milo can superhuman kick anyone trying to dose him with iron, stick him with any sort of shot or get him to eat something he doesn't like - he can even pull a Houdini and make it down the hall and out of the building before even the fastest of doctors, nurses, office staff and well-intentioned parents can reach him. He KNOWS that, if Milo doesn't want iron, Milo won't take iron. I think he was impressing on me to accomplish this ANY WAY I can ... a tall order indeed. It drives me nuts to watch Lil pop green, iron-rich peas into her mouth one after the other - eat dried apricots like they're candy - or watch Olivia gobble up the different kinds of hummus I have in the house while Enzo eats his giant plate full of eggs - all of these iron-rich foods, and .... Milo refuses it all or nibbles at those I do give him.

So .... I'll do all this. I will be encouraged by the following: Milo has taken steps just this past year by learning to eat something nutritious before he snacks, but... again.... for Milo, this is yogurt, apples, granola, angel hair pasta with parmesan, orange juice - none of them iron sources - though citrus does help with the absorption... I'm grasping here..... bear with me - oh.... and wish me luck. This is killing me. Suggestions?

Weary ....

And ... I'm not sure why. BUT - everything - literally EVERYTHING makes me tired, sore or creates such a brain fry, I can't even think straight lately. Is it the constant - "Mommy - why can't we stay downstairs with you?" - "Can I have juice - no, vanilla milk - no, lemonade - no water - wait, what is there to drink?" - "Hey - where's my sandwich and pizza (yeah - Enzo the eater often has two lunches)?" "Can we knock on the neighbor's door?" "Can we get (insert name of toy) for Christmas?" - "Is tomorrow another no school day?" - Or - the latest - as of 5 min ago ..."Mommy, Orangey (pet goldfish - or as Lillliana says, "Rangey") is stuck in the filter; is he dead?" Probably, right? What do I say, though??? "Wait until Daddy gets home; he'll coax him out." Sigh.

MAYBE - just maybe - it is also the fact that I was just shown a blog that this professional writer uses as part of her bio, and... it is .... well.... insincere. I think I was really struck by that because she is... um .... for lack of a much better word - a "mom blogger" - like me, I suppose. I mean, if I were grading her for sincerity, I would all kinds of mark it up. She cites some good publications as clients or some of her regular byline haunts, but....hmmm.... I am so wondering about her motivation.... though I do know that she does have an assignment that seems pretty visible - at least this week (sneaky colleagues - thank you). And.... I'm amazed - just AMAZED that some of you guys - my friends and / or fellow bloggers do NOT have a bunch of professional bylines behind you because... you're all awesome - really - jealousy-inspiring writers - DUE TO the fact that we are honest and confessional and attempt to be supportive of one another, and... though some of us are interested in writing features .... as supermom or otherwise - you know, helpful, timely articles ..... it does not appear that we have as much logged in on our pro resume as this chick (some of you do - and congrats for that - you are my inspiration - seriously). Plus - she has what she calls a "crunchy / green" area that is the premise of her blog, and.... it is 6 months - yes - 6 MONTHS!!!! behind. I'm not interested in evaluating anybody - in fact, I love the fact that we can all love one another and appreciate one another - grammatical errors, differing opinions, cheesey family photos, stolen recipes and all. I just find it odd that her "community of moms" is being leveraged for her byline resume - her lengthy, 5 paragraph (yeah - I know..... I KNOW - I am far longer-winded ;-), highly structured, "I've written this for a magazine editor" posts are not sincere at all - seem more "I am a member of the mainstream media" than "I am your objective, direct, honest blogger." I would direct you there, and I'm SURE you would agree, but... that is not how I roll.... can't do that.... I'm not here to "out" anybody, but I am here to tell you guys... well... how I feel.... and I fully expect you to reprimand me OR offer an opinion or explanation OR just nod and write me something silly :-).

OK - so - you're right - that can't be it. An insincere, highly suspect mom blog can't be so detrimental to my health and well-being that it causes my old gymnastics tendonitis injury to act up - or my lower back pain to persist - or my lack of caffeine headache to get worse..... ALL THAT is me worrying about school starting - about missing my kids - about not doing enough this summer - about my future as a writer, entrepreneur, wife and mother, sister.... whatever. I have high expectations for myself. I want a family that comes home to my warm, loving house on holidays and eats turkey and sits around the fire and goes skiing together - I want a business that will give me a creative outlet but allow me to be the best mom I can be to my kids - I want my sloppy joes and chicken soup and brownies to be appreciated now while I am focusing on the home and my family - I don't want my head to be turned by people who are shamelessly promoting themselves under false pretenses. I, like you, want to be happy.

So .... maybe all this input sometimes overwhelms me - makes me think I'm on the wrong track - trusting the wrong people - ignoring my intuitions...... BUT I think I'm OK - I think I'm right where I need to be. I am not all sunshine and roses, but I am all kinds of happy about my current role - my decisions to date..... ALL good. I just need to chat now and then, ya know? You guys ever feel the same way?

Day 1 trying to grab this elusive confidence thing...

... and I'm really not going to pontificate for long today. Really. I have far too much to say - far too much going on in my head - and, of course, far too much going on already in the house this morning.

Suffice to say that I am struggling with the insomnia again. I have been working on it. One long ago friend did give me a great "cure" recently in that it also provided me my much-needed pre-sleep downtime and forced me to implement some me time and some nightly disciplines (well - if tea and wine are disciplines ;-). He had suggested working out in the evening to clear my head - and... while I kept to an earlier day workout (just kids' schedules right now), I did do the no food after a certain hour, chamomile tea (though substituted hot chocolate one night when my daughter wanted some -and - fyi - despite the extra fat to digest and the bits of sugar and caffeine - it worked too - must be the warm milk thing), red wine (had a few bottles started at recent dinners or whatever and were sitting around and made it through them - little sips at a time - in fact, need more (and can say that this component also seemed to alleviate my back pain a bit as did the workout). Anyway.... it was working - IS working, really.... I watched my Top Chef last night (and, btw, Angelo is lucky that Alex is so incompentent or he may have been gone for his store-bought puff pastry choice) - did part of the "routine" and feel asleep, but... when something wakes me at 4 am or so, I'm up.

Anyway - on LinkedIn, my hubby enjoys great success, but I have actually had people view my profile and turn me away. Less than half of the "people I might know" have responded to me. Failure. I suspected as much. Also, revamping my resume for feedback has brought feedback that is just beyond me right now - more bullet points under positions that I would rather forget - drop things that I feel might lead me into my dream jobs of fashion or the arts (don't pay, right? :-( and, therefore, I want to keep! Ugh.... worries for another day. Can say this, though - looks like my position as CEO of the Home is impressing NO ONE right now.

Yesterday, I took Olivia's uniform skirts to be hemmed - after pinning and measuring part of the morning away. I shopped b-day presents for some of her friends - one on her way to Shadyside Academy while Olivia goes to Oakland Catholic (they are writing one another long sentimental letters and, I'm sure, will still stay close) - we also shopped bras and underwear at Target (where I found Enzo and Milo trying on bras and saying they had "lady boobs" - I have no words....), food for dinner (does hummus count?).... did lunch in the mall food court while picking up photos - just a day of errands, which I suspect I will continue today. On the weight loss front... I did NOT make it to the gym :-(, but... I did miss dinner (just got too late... field hockey carpool complete with uniform deposits and other forms to turn in - rearranging Lil's room to create new play areas while I go through my own paperwork, photos, etc. .... think I forgot until I woke with grumbly stomach - ever do that?).

So ... long story short, I wish I could find a way to boost my confidence - with job search, etc. Just not in the cards right now. I'm kinda in a holding pattern, and... that's fine. Anyone else feeling this way?

Photo: The stairs to the "clubhouse". Think we'll go there today too :-).

Oh - and I think my Krups coffeemaker / cappuccino maker died today - after MANY years together. Anyone have a suggestion for a replacement or should I just go with the tried and true?

One last thing.... Do you watch Project Runway? OK - I do sometimes. Anyway, here's a story on judge, Nina Garcia, who is beautiful, stylish, successful (editor in chief of Marie Claire, right?), and... 45 years old..... and pregnant with her second child. So there, those who think 40 is the end of beauty and life choices and style.... blah blah blah...

"Bucking up" a bit ...

So - yesterday was completely uneventful. I made it to the gym - kids in tow - now, everyone there knows them, which is nice. I did make Milo some manicotti with spinach AND some meatballs (after my iron-boosting conversation with the doctor yesterday morning) for dinner - he ate only plain pasta with a little cheese on it (everyone else ate what I made - a good thing). Baby steps - baby steps... We did field hockey carpool - baked a little - made popcorn and watched a movie - played in the "clubhouse". I abandoned a project to refinish a little apothecary cabinet that we found over the weekend - it is in bad shape - not worth a refinish. We did stay focused and on task, though - not as much milling (which leads to fighting, which leads to yelling). Olivia folded a bit of her laundry - cleaned her room a little (a good thing - because friends expecting a baby called us late night to have their daughter, Caroline - Olivia's friend, sleep over while they rushed off to the hospital - hoping, this time, it wasn't a false alarm - I will report back as soon as I hear this am :-) - though.... we did have three - yes, the ever-present Olivia B was here too - girls up until 2 am or so, giggling, etc.).

So - thanks, all, for the advice you have provided over the past week or so, regarding kids and "chores". I did enlist some help from my boys yesterday to dust, pick up toys, wipe up in the kitchen, etc. They actually seem to enjoy it. Also - and I don't know if I'm alone in this (but I'm asking advice again :-), but I have been taking out the old kindergarten and Pre-K workbooks for them - having them do a few exercises - or sometimes, I just put out some paper and pens and have Enzo practice his name and some numbers - other words (he needs to practice his writing - had trouble with a pencil grip last year) - I have Milo write too (he knows how to do his name and the focus for just a couple of minutes seems to help him calm down). They can also color or work on their own projects. In fact, I have these little work stations set up in the dining room (which, I think I've mentioned before, has become sort of an art room for us :-). Does anyone else do this? Provide the extra school practice OR get them to focus on some drawing or writing or something creative for a bit - take a break from the wild stuff? Might be overkill, but... they seem to like it.

Anyway... Photo: Still reminiscing - especially talking to the friends on their way to the hospital with the baby last night. Feels like yesterday that I had contractions with Lil for days - had to have my mom come into town - had to step up the painting process in her room (which I did alone, btw). I like how I can see my reflection in her little glasses :-) in this photo - can remember taking it :-). Again - probably not last summer but summer before that. I also remember when our friends gave us that onesie for her, saying it looked like us - a little preppy, a little punk. Ah... memories :-).

Oh... and... my Linked In success is still pretty pathetic as is my job hunt thus far.... We'll see......

COMPLETELY Random (from recipes to retail)...

Boots under $100 at Piperlime! I'm in!

Watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona last night and really liked it. If you've ever spent any time in Europe or in complicated relationships, you will relate. I am touch and go with Woody Allen films, but... this one - even with voiceover narrative - was really good (I mean, they're all good - some just speak to me more than others). Was it really 2008 when it came out?!?! I am soooo out of touch regarding movies. Anyway - made me feel better about my house full of half-finished canvases a la artist hubby - my coffee corner, constantly cluttered with spoons, french presses, sugar (all me :-) - my wardrobe and how some people are always referring to me as "bohemian" - my hot temper ;-). Worth a watch - definitely.

Checked camp photos for Olivia today. While we saw her friends playing basketball and doing yoga, we did not see her. Oh well - next round of photos.

Yesterday was a hugely productive day for me - I moved furniture, organized school paperwork, cleaned A LOT, and... somehow made it to Whole Foods where Enzo decided that he wanted to make fish for dinner - told the guy what we needed and everything. And we did end up with some yummy fish tacos for a late dinner (hubby busy at work - made me miss my workout, so... today, I need to be ON IT!): Marinated the fish (tilapia - very mild in case the boys wanted to eat some) briefly in a lime, chipotle pepper, salt and olive oil mixture - pan seared it - rolled it up in hand-rolled, organic flour tortillas with lime, hot sauce, lettuce, onion, cucumber, tomato and sour cream. So good.

Quick quest for input here.... I have begun to restrict my boys' media time. A good thing some days because it gives us a little more structure and discipline to our "lazy time". I have begun to notice, however, that they are obsessed with the Wii each morning when they get up, preventing me from watching the Today Show or from even reading and having any sort of quiet morning time in my space - the first floor - where I need to be productive. Selfish? I think not. I mean, it also causes fights and mean back talk. By contrast, though, Lilliana has become obsessed with some old-fashioned wooden pull toys I found while digging out yesterday. Interesting. So... my question: Do you restrict TV and / or media time? If so, how stringent are you? And... how do the kids react? You can email me if you like ;-).

Finally.... St. Beders (and I know some of you are still reading me this summer), our paperwork has arrived. Get it in ASAP! If you are lamenting the loss of summer, keep this in mind... we still have a couple of weeks left and schools like Woodland Hills Academy started today!

In closing, I'd like to share a bit of fluff.... that Lady Gaga made Vanity Fair's best-dressed list for being "original", which....is such a joke... given that she steals everything she says, does AND dresses in from Grace Jones and Madonna - who were doing her "schtick" years ago!

Quick note: The National is playing Pittsburgh on 25 Sept - get your tickets everyone - they are selling out!

Last quick note: Are you a Mad Men fan? If so, the 2010 casting call for a walk-on part is on.... get your photo in.... hopefully, the deadline hasn't passed. If so, you can still vote on those who DID get photos in.... until early Sept, I believe. Good luck :-).

And... I'm out. Happy, happy, everyone.

I have a question.

Last night, I found myself totally alone again. Hubby out to dinner with industry colleagues - one in town from Germany - others just a couple of area people he knows through various professional avenues, etc. I was not invited (and why would I be??? I am no longer part of that world which, at one time, so defined me and my day). Oh well. It would be fine - except I usually won't eat alone so end up with grumbly stomach - I mill about, not having anything to do - I start to worry (now I am convinced that one of my fillings that needs to be replaced has begun to hurt, but I really have to concentrate on it ;-) - my kids do their own thing... last night, the boys wanted a pre-bedtime movie instead of a story, Lil actually fell asleep early, and Olivia was still reading her honors English requirements and, of course, texting her friends all night. In fact, instead of reading or working on my photos or just relaxing with a cup of tea, I find myself doing laundry, picking up toys outside, checking myself in the mirror for exercise progress (today's unfortunate photo was a failed attempt to document such progress :-).... other just bizarre, a-productive stuff. Weird. And... I've always been this way. I am good alone - industrious, able to get through projects in a single day if left to my own devices, but... if I KNOW that I am supposed to be with someone else or doing something else, I'm at loose ends. In grad school, if my friends were supposed to meet me and were suddenly late or my roommate unexpectedly went to the library or something, I would mill and smoke and get on the phone and wander outside...... As a child, if my parents were supposed to be home from going out to dinner, I wouldn't eat popcorn with the babysitter and have her do my hair or something, I would pace and look out the window and chew my hair and fret. So..... my question is this: What do you guys do with your alone / downtime? Really. I need help (or a sedative ;-).

Thanks in advance for the emails, etc. I am sure to get (though, again, please post here - I have a few people interested in the responses - those of you who say you "were going to comment" again and again, go ahead and do it - help those of us in need of advice :-).

Quite a mix.

Of "my stuff" today, that is. This will be quick and painless. I've been thinking a lot lately, which actually freezes my brain instead of getting it to work more productively. Go figure. Anyway... Lil and I joined the family on the baseball outing yesterday. The plan was to divide and conquer (cuz we had 4 REALLY good seats that would thrill the boys and impress Olivia - for a good time had by all ;-), but... Lil's feelings were going to get hurt, and, truthfully, I was NOT in the mood to do more laundry. So we went and Lil did run from me and go into full tantrum mode most of the time but ... everyone got hats (and it freaks me out that hubby will pay $75 in hat money, but.... will refuse to buy food there - told the boys they HAD to take care of these hats cuz I have a sneaking suspicion that we've bought and lost others - today, they came downstairs wearing them, then... dutifully put them back on their little pegs in their room - they LISTENED - wow. Digressing...) and everyone got to run around and sit and eat fries and act silly - and watch the balls come flying at them over by third base - and got cotton candy... Fun for all but sweaty, frazzled Mommy who indulged in a milkshake post-game when we stopped for ice cream (and, yeah - REAL ice cream for me this time :-).

Yesterday, we also tried to do a photo shoot for a personal venture that we have in the works. Instead, in the planning stages, hubby and I argued over what defines creative - who was more competitive - ridiculous stuff - then it rained and foiled our plans anyway. Now... I'm feeling self-conscious about all the photos I take. I photograph the house a lot for my blog - for my, for lack of a much better work, scrapbooks, photos collages, etc. (documenting a life well-lived, which is noble, I think). I'm also documenting my fitness progress (as young dancers and gymnasts, we used to photograph each other as we improved on technique, etc. - why not implement that same motivation now? Anyway....), so... prompted by a dumpy, can't seem to suck in that post-baby gut yet photo (yeah - I know - it's been two years - time flies, K?), I had to show off my new muscles and much flatter stomach (photos for me, of course, though I will share some of the sillier and / or motivational ones with you if need be ;-). Again, starting to think my camera has become an obsession with me (or - maybe has been for years.......).

So ... Olivia at sleepover (Olivia B) .... house cool and calm .... Lil up and down last night, which is maddening. I think her summer schedule is a bit off - plus, if we do something exciting during the day, she gets very wound up - ALL NIGHT - and I find myself giving her milk, rearranging her covers, changing her pull-up, allowing her bits of banana or graham cracker if she really gets up and needs a little sleepy time routine to get her back down... Makes me tired and then she sleeps in too late...Any advice? Any "been there done that" and / or "nipped that in the bud" advice?!?!

Photo: Was leafing through a drawing pad the boys found in one of Olivia's old art bins, and... had thought it devoid of anything but random scribbles and yellowed edges, but... did find a drawing that my Mom, Olivia and I had done way back in 1998. So... of course, I saved it, and... in its honor have posted a photo of my Mom and I AND my girlies - all together (from the 4th of July weekend).

Hope you have some clarity to your day. I am muddled, having forgotten to pay a camp balance - forgotten a hair appointment - more... I am OUT of it. I think I've been focusing on odd things like the leaky fish tank (had to get new one), the fact that the little ones picked all my green tomatoes - ALL of them, so... no yummy just picked from the vine tomatoes for me for a while - if at all... that kind of stuff. On the bright side, all my Oakland Catholic forms are in (and for those of you going down that road soon, there are a lot and in many different places... :-).

In closing, here is Julia Child's Poulet au Porto recipe, which is soooo good (in the movie, Julie and Julia, it is the chicken with mushrooms, cream and port that Julie references). Give it a try. I think I may do it today :-).

Duty

We don't iron in this house unless we have to. In fact, this morning, as hubby took off for New York, I found myself in the basement ironing a pair of khakis, a crisp blue striped shirt and an old Ralph Lauren gingham check that is so old - and so soft and nice - that I remember borrowing it and wearing it a lot when Enzo was first born - kudos to Ralph cuz it still looks good :-).

As I ironed, I remembered waaay back - when I was 15 years old or so... I was busy with ballet 6 days a week - I had recently tried out for and made cheerleading in order to make friends at my new, huge high school (no gymnastics team at this one), and I was in a number of Honors classes, including a French class in which I was the only one from my class - everyone else a year or two older. My Mom had begun rollerskating with the neighbors for exercise. When I look back, she was youthful for her age - and young - only in her forties - AND a much better skater than I could ever be; she went backwards, sideways, skated fast, stopped short.... Anyway, one day she fell and broke her wrist. After that, for a couple of months, while she healed, I picked up the slack on a lot of her household duties. I did the dishes (my Dad would help - but he traveled a lot) - I put away the laundry - I vacuumed - I cooked - and, most stand-out in my mind, is how I ironed. I ironed with my Mom standing over me to check my work. And this woman ironed EVERYTHING - from pocket "hankies" to sheets and jeans. Ever frugal, she never had my Dad's shirts laundered (and he wore a suit to work everyday), so I would spray and starch and iron over and over and over again. My brothers, who were not involved in sports or outside activities and took middle level or remedial classes at school, did nothing but watch TV and make fun of me. When I would get upset, my mother would remind them that I had no sense of humor so they should stop. I guess, in hindsight, being called a fat slave or having the dish towels snapped at me while they yelled "work - work!" and laughed is kinda funny... really a good time (and, remember, I have no sense of humor so any attempts at sarcasm here or hints at being funny are purely in your head ;-). I was so tired. I got a "D" on French test, my new cheerleading friends were mad at me and talking dumping me from the squad, AND I lost a lot of Saturdays trying to catch up on my ironing. It sucked (for the record, when my parents moved to Europe a few years later - and.... when my brothers returned to the states to attend college, they bought them a condo, filled a bank account for them and gave them ATM cards, hired a cleaning AND a laundry service for them - Are they better for it? NO. Joke is no longer on me - though, obviously, my irritation lingers).

So ... I do not iron. I see no point. We are a wash and wear family AND we do launder hubby's dress shirts AND anything lovely and designer that we purchase, we do NOT trust to our own unskilled hands - we dry clean - AND we look for good places. Today, however, I was happy to do it for hubby. He would do the same for me (scandalous in my Mom's eyes, I realize - but we have a scandalous past of hubby making lunch for my daughter because he had a home office and I traveled a lot and had to be downtown in my office everyday - HE drove her to the pool, filled out her school forms, etc. - even cooked - gasp).

As is the case with my serendipitous life, I have been thinking on this time in my life a lot recently. Don't know why. Maybe because I see Olivia and her friends as already pretty self-actualized young women - into sports - close friendships and their own personal style (Olivia does not believe me that my Mom really has told me to "not allow" her to use a straightening iron on her curly / wavy hair - and has even suggested taking it from her - AND, further, would have taken it from me and threatened counseling if I took it back or bought another - wait... I was never allowed to have my own money, so... scratch that last bit).

So... what is my duty these days? Not sure, truthfully. I just had an early morning conversation with hubby - wee hours really (still have the insomnia - though am implementing some "cures", as I said - give it time...). I often feel lost. Sometimes, I even compare myself to the other women with whom he works - an ex-dancer living the single life in NYC - an Italian model and Flash programmer who drives a motorcycle - two women who own and operate publications - more.... Seriously - I mean WHY would I make ANY of that up, right? And... here I am. STILL trying to find what I do best. Do you guys ever feel that way? I mean, we all do, but....

Photo: Some brightness on a cloudy day - my Olivia with Taylor Lautner (on her way to stalk him with friends - picture is for the autograph they were hoping to get - oh.... we'll find him. Don't you worry :-)... or a photo, rather. BTW - he was spotted at the Waterfront PF Chang's recently.... like... um.... eating. OMG.

If you can't say something nice...

... post a photo, AND.... attempt to be helpful by posting a couple of tips.

Yesterday, took Lil to lunch in Shadyside at the Walnut Grill while boys were at a gymnastics party and Olivia was at Longue Vue Country Club with friends (and speaking of country clubs and helpful tips, did you know that Churchill Country Club is offering, in addition to other dining and limited memberships, a GOLF membership? So.... any golfers - and I know my family is full of them - who want to save some money can check it out! :-). She was good - did not run from us or have a tantrum once. She sat and chatted and ate salad, chicken and fries. She drank orange juice and colored on the paper table cloth like a champ. My tip? The Walnut Grill now has a market salad option which allows you to make / customize your own salad. It was good. Nice option. Is it me or does the atmosphere always feel a little tense in there (and only OK food - come on)? Anyway, lunch was good - it was cool - close to where we needed to get our boys, etc.

American Vietnam Veterans picking up some furniture from us today (AMVETS and other organizations seemed to have their neighborhood trucks full for a couple of weeks, but... these guys were available). A lot of organizations no longer accept furniture or baby items, but they do, and...scheduling a pick-up is super easy. If you need to get rid of some stuff, check them out. I put out several IKEA beds and mattresses today with the pick-up slip that I printed myself taped to them. I have a pre-printed tax receipt. I'm set. Look into it.

Tired today - the humidity in the house keeps Lil and Milo up and restless all night - plus I had to get up super early, navigate rush hour traffic and drive to the other side of town to retrieve Olivia from a cousin sleepover. I rushed her to "mandatory" swim practice that others blew off (prepping for championships, which we are so proud she made again), but... she's conscientious, and I know she's glad she went. Had to hear more family craziness - had to put up with fighting little ones (who, in an odd twist, would have actually slept in today instead of getting up at 5:50 am on the dot - awesome). I'm done. Got the kiddies donuts - trying to grab coffee and sneak in a workout. Also trying to deal with a brand new broken curtain rod, a trail of broken toys, muddy footprints on a toilet seat and juice spilled all over the dining room table and floor. Good times.

Really - E, M & L are so stirred up today. Reluctant to play outside due to gray clouds, they are feisty, angry, grabby, argumentative. I mean, close to tears myself, I just yelled and sent them upstairs where they are now biding their time on the third floor stairs and, you guessed it, have begun fighting again. I'm not exaggerating - 30 seconds didn't go by this morning without tears, a complaint, a scream, an argument, a slap from one to the other. It's awful. I feel like a crazy person who has lost control. I always feel like they hate me and like I've ruined all their fun when I have to deal out semi-harsh punishments. I've tried to be positive this morning. I've tried to be gentle - offer things to do - read books - fix breakfast..... And... I know that some of us have discussed this at length before (you know who you are morning out and gymnastics pals - remember the one conversation that started... "oooo - I really yell - I mean really yell"? - and it wasn't me who started it, my beloved sisters in "end of the rope" frustration). In the throes of trying to provide food, cleanliness and warmth to our families of multiple little ones (three 5 and under in this house) with, in my case and others, a middle schooler / high schooler with specific needs thrown in AND a busy, hard to reach hubby (at times) AND my own maintenance like teeth brushing, dressing myself and eating now and then to sneak in, sometimes raising our voices to restore order becomes necessary (though, the guilt will linger and linger - THOUGH my last reminder yell, complete with "crazy eyes", really did get them playing peacefully together AND using time productively. Go figure.). So.... like the headline states.....

See ya. Hope you're all having better days than I am.

Oh yeah - photo: Me - looking pretty damn cheerful for the life I lead these days (snark, snark, snark). Actually, I was on my way out for the night. And.... you know I'm only half serious - was just telling y'all how lucky I am the other day.... Let's go revisit that post..... Oh wait - or here is me yesterday with some of my fave high schoolers and Lil ;-).... And... since we are glancing at photos, in a related note (and my last tip of the day), I am simultaneously testing acne and aging treatments for my skin. On the first leg of my anti-aging analysis, but... have gushed before about Neutrogena's "on the spot" acne treatment, and... still am. Cheap and effective; I love it! Will report back on other .... the "look and feel younger stuff". Can say now, however, that in informally "testing" toothpastes across the board regarding whitening, fighting tarter and strengthening the enamel (remember, I am anal about my teeth), I am having success with Colgate's sensitive / enamel strengthening item (I'm a teeth grinder at night - hmmmm. what gave me away? Can anyone say "high-strung"? ;-).

In closing... I have to ask... So do you yell? Do you? Does it help? Does anything else help? Can't believe I'm asking, but I am :-). And, for the record, to appease everyone, my first reaction was to cancel my workout - NOT cook the elaborate dinner I have planned... in lieu of stopping to play and / or find an activity to make them all "like" me again. BUT - isn't that a bad precedent to set? I mean, there are days for that BUT there are also days in which things need to get done or Mommy needs a bit of a break. Right? Please weigh-in :-).

A few EASY summer recipes.

So .... here is an easy and tasty pasta salad: Elbow or rotini or other small pasta - peas (I use organic flash frozen - and I like a lot in my salad - though you can customize :-) - thinly sliced baby or pickling cucumbers - thinly sliced mild white onion (I'm thinking even a shallot) - your favorite homemade vinaigrette or, for store-bought, I like Brianna's New American (has a balsamic taste) with maybe a splash of mustard - and if you're not doing low fat (and your dressing will have fat, but it is the very necessary "good fat" if you get or make one with an olive oil base), go ahead and shred some sharp cheddar or parmesan cheese over the top (after you have appropriately boiled, drained, mixed, etc. - of course). Very tasty.

AND - this may sound a little odd, but... in an interesting twist on Sundaes (and this really only works with chocolate ice cream - not yogurt - not vanilla, so....) - go ahead and scoop your chocolate ice cream - drizzle some Extra Virgin Olive Oil on top - sprinkle some sea salt - then another little drizzle of maple syrup - OR go without the syrup and simply enjoy the fruity olive oil and the salty chocolate goodness. A friend of mine in California frequents a sundae shop where this is a favorite. VERY good.

And.... I can't believe I haven't talked this up before, but.... 4C green tea mix is the best. Higher in sugar, of course, than tea you make yourself - but quick and easy (like the above treats), which is what I am ALL ABOUT this summer.

Quick question: Are you guys like me and... if your little ones don't finish their PB & J sandwiches at lunch, YOU end up eating them - dipping them in chicken noodle soup or something - on the run - when calories and fat "don't count"? Totally undermines my diet plan. I just had a similar mac and cheese conversation with my friend in food and neighbor with whom I consult on many of these important issues ;-). So... do you commit such diet faux pas? I need to know :-).

This is what REALLY bothers me!!!:

So I left the doctor's office yesterday feeling horrible. I now realize it wasn't JUST the fact that I was reprimanded for not getting my cholesterol checked in two years (though it was only 162 or so when I did get it checked and has always been around that number) - it wasn't that I was curtly told that my weight loss was not sufficient and that I was still overweight (not even a pat on the back for my new gym, personal trainer and low fat and low sugar diet - not even a nod to the fact that I was flawlessly on target, even above and beyond, with weight and fitness for years - the consecutive pregnancies broke my stride a bit - and, really - is 5'4" with an extra 20 pounds or so as horrible as you made it seem? I'm a size 8 currently.) - it wasn't that I was reminded again and again that, as an adopted person, I have no family history and so need to remain vigilant about breast health, etc. (I check my breasts daily and I ask many questions as I am a hypochodriac with OCD tendencies - I also brush my teeth 6X a day - tell me to do something and I do it - plus, I have always been adopted - you don't think I've had this conversation before with a doctor or nurse?) - it's not that I was freaked out by the stories my health care provider decided to share with me about her friends being diagnosed with cervical cancer after years of normal tests (I was about 4 months late with my check-up, having had to cancel a couple of times, but.... was made to feel that I had not seen a doctor in 10 years).... So, believe it or not, it wasn't what they did, really; it was what they DIDN'T do.

They did not inquire about my fitness routine as they normally do (and I had been told to implement one to lose the post-baby weight and get my spirits up after some post-partum crap - so I thought they would be, if not thrilled, at least wanting to follow up with me). They did not ask about my post-pregnancy anemia that I couldn't shake and that they were quite concerned with for a while (could not get my numbers up - speculation was that I may need to go back on Iron - though, now, it appears no one cares - am I supposed to put myself on a supplement?). They did not ask me if my post-nursing cycle had returned to normal (yes - it has - thanks for asking ;-). They did not follow up on some the leg pain I had been having, despite my pregnancies, birth control, etc. (probably an old athletic injury, but... when I mentioned it a year ago, they were all sorts of interested - now - who cares, right?). They did not ask me how it was going with the three little ones five and under, which they usually do (especially since I had some hormonal ups and downs after my last few babies and they had been watching me, again, just a year ago, to see if depression had set in - asked me to report back next check-up - only... this time, no one asked or cared). Over the past few years, I've had a series of UTIs (again, became a trend after the consecutive pregnancies), and... I mentioned this time feeling like I may have had one recently, though... no one checked me for that - no lab work in that area - did they forget? OR - again, just not care?

OK - so I don't want to be babied or handled with kid gloves. But... I am concerned that my specific needs as a patient are not being met. Yeah - I'm a forty-ish woman with small kids, which is maybe not the norm - maybe they are usually thirty-ish with small kids, but.... I am fit, healthy, a good patient in terms of staying up to date with my healthcare, etc. I do have specific needs - past history with anemia and other minor ailments - stopped nursing a year ago so my body is still returning to normal (my c-section incision just stopped being sensitive - AND, because of the FOUR c-sections I've had, I was asked last visit to report any changes, issues that did NOT return to normal - again, it appears no one cares so I didn't ask some questions I wanted to). I mean - sure - I have forty-ish needs and concerns now, but... I am also a busy mother of small children, still trying to lose her baby weight, still trying to deal with other lingering issues related to a post-pregnancy body (why do I still get the UTIs? do I need another iron supplement? are you still concerned about my sore leg? are you still wondering if my toddler has been keeping me up at night? how 'bout those nutritional concerns you had last time regarding mothers with small kids keeping themselves healthy?).

Anyway - all I got this time was - why don't you have another PCP? And... a bunch of snarky comments on how I should do this - should do that. When I asked about the patchy dark spots on my skin that have not cleared up since I was pregnant with Lil - instead of the - this is common - can take a few years to clear up - usually hormonal and common with olive-skinned people, I got - "I dunno. Maybe check with a dermatologist." When I attempted a follow up on something that had changed when I stopped nursing last year (again, something I had been told to watch), I was told it was probably more age-related as opposed to nursing-related (exactly the opposite input from last year). IN FACT, when I did begin to go over my list of things to follow up on (remember, I am fastidious and wanted to be sure to give them the input they asked for last year - things to watch over the course of this year), I was cut short - told things like, "Well I wouldn't worry so much about your anemia; at your age, you need to get your blood pressure and your cholesterol checked" WTF? And, I apologize here - I don't like to swear given the fact that my daughter and her friends read me - some of my gentle readers do not like it (and those of you who do, call me - we can rip it up ;-) - in fact, I kinda feel like a little kid trying out swear words right now (poopy, butt, booger) - plus, I'm not REALLY swearing (but I digress)... Anyway - so WTF? WTF? WTF? In 12 months, I go from busy young mother to forty-something woman who should be looking for an old age home for myself instead of preschools for my kids? Cholesterol? Mine is consistently UNDER 160 (to the same point, my hemoglobin was hovering around 9 last time you checked - so glad YOU are not concerned). Blood pressure? Mine is usually around 100 / 60 or even lower (though, with all the cervical cancer as the silent killer talk, it did creep up to normal during the course of the visit - and I could feel my mouth getting dry - my heart beating faster - in fact, I needed to pace and cry a bit when I left the office - I felt like I needed to go make out my will - make sure my kids were Ok when I was gone, which would be soon). WTF?!!!

I ended up leaving with a mammogram script and a reprimand for not having another PCP (at my age). I was also about 90% sure that, given the fact that I was 4 mo. late for my annual check-up that I had advanced cervical cancer (I was told a number of times during the exam that it has no symptoms and is very common). When I asked if I could get a script for blood work (if they were THAT concerned about cholesterol - and I was worried about the hemoglobin), they ignored me. I did not ask ANY of the questions I had. I did not recognize anyone in the office. I did not get the opportunity to follow up on any of the issues I was told to last time, making me feel a little panicky. I went from harried mom of four who needed input on weight, nutrition and offsetting depression born of hormonal fluctuations that I was told were due to my body readjusting from pregnancy and nursing and lack of sleep due to life with little ones, and I left thinking I needed to call another PCP to get some geriatric testing done. This visit did nothing to help me with my current health concerns. I need to find a new place..... bummer. Advice?

Way Random

Today is Kennywood Day for St. Bede. I've gone in the past - with babies, toddlers, pregnant, with hubby / without hubby (and even have childhood memories of going with my cousins YEARS ago).... today, I know the 8th graders will be fine without me (Olivia had another party last night AND had gone to a Pirates game earlier in the day - what a life!), and... I know not many kindergartners will go - plus.... my boys like to ride different rides, and... with Olivia off on her own, I would have to find "kiddie land" for Milo and Lil (Milo not crazy about rides - Lil hasn't been on any except what they would let a baby ride at Disney two years ago) - and... would have to find someone to ride coasters with Enzo (I love them like he does, but... I would be on "baby duty"). One year, Enzo and I went alone (of course, we brought Olivia, but she took off right away with friends - though, have to admit, they did seek Enzo out to take on some rides with them, etc.) - we had fun, but he seemed to miss Milo. Anyway.... home today. Cool and rainy - no storms on the horizon.

Speaking of storms, I'm thinking of those in Ohio hit by tornadoes. I grew up in NE Ohio, and... summer was one tornado warning after another. I've had tornadoes go down the street near me - have had friends with homes destroyed by them, etc. In school, we did tornado drills. Not here. Hard to explain that tornadoes just came with summer - the green sky, the eerie silence, the scary funnel clouds..... So... some sad stories coming out of Ohio from over the weekend. Please read here and keep those people in your thoughts. With a tornado, it is literally fine one minute, and... everything destroyed the next.

Saw Shrek, Forever After or the Final Chapter - whatever it's called - yesterday and liked it (not sure if that was because all the kids behaved or what, but...). I would recommend it (we don't like 3D, so looked for a showing without - the glasses are a pain -the peripheral vision is weird - just don't like it). It was a really fast movie - seemed to be over quickly. I had not been to Pittsburgh Mills, which is where we saw it. It was nice - clean, some interesting stores, more than one Starbucks in a certain radius :-), so... I might go back - shop H & M, eat burgers at Johnny Rockets ;-).

Photos: My Olivia and her friends keep leaving us messages on our white board - here are some samples. And... Milo wanted me to include the photo he took of me on Mother's Day, so I did (he has been SUCH a helper lately - making lemonade and tea with me, baking cookies...).

And... quick fyi that you may NOT care about... Things have reached fever pitch around here again - kids fighting because they are getting used to co-existing again - PILES of laundry that got backed up when my schedule was so packed - kids running in and out through the back screen door (and, admittedly, I like that sound - total summer sound, that slap of the screen door - but... the dirt, the wet, the mess... bit of an adjustment). Last night, for example, we prepared fish tacos and an eggplant, avocado and red onion salad (that turned out well - citrus-y marinade on a firm white fish always good - and, though the vinaigrette that we made was a little too bitey, the salad was also good - grilled so warm and tasty on tortillas - as soon as we perfect the recipe - will post - though can say now it involves Dijon mustard, vinegar, olive oil...)... our kids were like digging in our herb pots, mixing sticky, sticky lemonade, demanding dry cereal and chocolate chip cookies for dinner, etc. Chaos. It had started earlier as we shopped Whole Foods. I could see hubby's face changing as the kids got more and more excited about "helping". I mean, I'm used to it - the way they pile all sorts of cheese and fruit that I don't need into my cart - how they like to examine all the veggies - how we can't leave without a case of that Horizon chocolate and / or vanilla milk (coupon for that, btw, here) - how they run instead of walk - how the sippy cups all need to be refilled and the movie started once back in the van.... More chaos. All in a day, right?

And.... here's an fyi you will probably care about: Big sale at J.Crew. Enjoy.

Lastly - Did anyone see Next Food Network Star last night? What did you think? I have my favorites in this group....

Oh - and remember the Treehouse meeting tonight (see Callapitter). I will be there even if I can't stay for the whole meeting.

I know; I said I'd stay off today.

But zulily has some deals on Blue Canoe yoga wear, so check that out. Also, my daughter tells me that Sephora will be doing free makeovers this week (I guess check location before you go). And - when Dennis Hopper died, I forgot to say a little word about him. It's short... Basically, I liked him. I admired his talents and interests - writer, art collector, artist, actor, etc. I know he didn't always make the best personal choices, but every time I heard him interviewed, he was honest - unbelievably honest. Anyway, the world misses people like that. RIP.

Milo is back to his old self today - thankfully :-).

Photo: Milo helped me make Easter baskets for the cousins this year.... then wanted to photograph them :-). A Milo moment / memory for sure (in honor of his restored energetic self).

AND... constant reminders from Enzo thus far this summer (well - almost summer) NOT to waste water. A good thing. I'm glad he's retaining some of the environmental tips he learns at school, and I guess we should heed his warnings :-).

Oh - and I desperately need a new video camera. Any suggestions? Seriously - I've had a couple bad ones - the thought of losing more footage and / or having it break on a vacation keeps me up at night. So... I will welcome any input on that topic :-).

Morning at our house...

Sunday mornings are pancakes, bacon and coffee. We watch CBS Sunday Morning, and we wrangle kids (don't hit your brother, who spilled syrup?, you can have juice NOT orange soda, etc.). Mornings are NOT quiet in our house - not restful - not organized, but... they are OUR mornings. Anyway, here are some photos - Morning in our bedroom and hubby and I and our kids in our "Sunday best" :-).

Thoughts and prayers today to the many friends and family members going through difficult times today. It has been an odd week - news of surgeries, terrible illnesses and other traumatic events. It has all sort of made me reflect on way back when my Milo was in the NICU as a newborn. A nun (Sister Lisa :-) asked us if we wanted her to pray for Milo before his surgery (he was in renal failure - though his problem had been identified and it was going to be solved - thankfully). Anyway, I listened to her - as I sat there, surrounded by other worried parents and babies far sicker than mine - some who wouldn't make it, and I noted that she did not pray for recovery. As a religious person, of course, she asked for Jesus to be with Milo on his journey, wherever that would take him. She was young and approachable and so sincere. And... as I sat there, a worried parent, a lifetime skeptic raised in a deeply religious environment, I thought it is interesting how we are all united in helplessness as well as the desire to help - to offer support and comfort to those who so need someone to lean on or to tell them that, whatever happens, it will be OK. So... send good thoughts - no matter what you believe or don't believe.... to those who need your support or comfort of any kind. Even take 30 seconds today to do that. My two cents... again.... take it for what it's worth....

Another Morning

Only today is Olivia's last time to ride the bus (finals and early dismissals next week followed by graduation after that). Enzo, though in love with his routine, will only have three more weeks of school after this (art show today - plus his beloved library and show n tell - his favorite day - in fact, he really wants to do kindergarten again but will miss a few of his friends - what to do? what to do?). For the rest of us, it is business as usual today (lots of business for me, as I am in the home stretch of this editing project). Thinking today, though.... I can remember Olivia in kindergarten so clearly, and now... off she goes to high school. Unbelievable.

Enjoy the day before the rain and cold hits us! Oh - and, as we transition to another season, you may be wondering if one of those shows you watch all the time will be coming back (we have a few in this house :-), so read here to find out.

Some sweet thoughts that will help me get through my day (and maybe you guys have some too): Enzo standing at my elbow, looking at me with big green eyes, telling me how grateful he is that I make his lunch everyday for school with salad and cheese sandwiches - Milo's sweet, shining, anxious face bursting through the door at preschool yesterday, proudly holding the little handprint Mother's Day card he had made for me (his teacher told me that he worked very hard on writing his name, and he was fascinated by the "plastic machine" that laminated it :-) - Lilliana and I walked Squirrel Hill yesterday after gymnastics (where she sweetly does what Miss Beth asks her to do - bend and touch the beam - or "roll" down the mat at which time she rolls her hands like in the game "Patty Cake" and runs down the mat - so cute), which I had not done in a while - we visited the library and read books, window shopped, got iced coffee and little wafer cookies at Coffeetree Roasters then went to get "Bobo" (Milo :-) - Olivia is still one of the starting attack people on her lacrosse team and that team is winning - plus, she is one of only 6 or 7 people in her Social Studies class to be exempt from the final for good grades - AND one of only 4 people out of almost 40 to get an A on a difficult math test (I'm so proud).

We have a school fund-raising dinner and auction tonight. What are your plans?

Keeping up

Shocking. (noticed this because I have a lacrosse player and knew many people who went to UVA)

Sad. (that we have to be scared to go to Times Square or anywhere else, for that matter - that someone's life could spin so out of control that he seeks to kill people...)

Interesting.(article on "the anxous mind", referred to me by a friend - thanks M!)

Have a great day!

Photos: Peekaboo Ponytail

Lost

No - not me.... and definitely not the TV show. Yesterday, as I was feeling ultra-organized, having just attended a community event with all kids in tow and... throughout the lengthy event, I was able to produce whatever my restless kiddies needed - juice? got it. goldfish crackers? got those. multi-grain crackers? those too. In fact, I had little pretend play dollies, coloring books, electronic games, raisins, etc. all stuffed into my big black Kate Spade diaper bag (with which I have a love / hate relationship - too heavy, but ... man - does it hold a lot or what?!?!) - I was SET. At home, I efficiently made dinner and put away laundry - I began preparing back packs for school - dished out homework advice - worked on my own project - all with little to no chaos.... until I noticed that Lil had a big pile of photos laid out all over the stairs and was kissing some - folding others - just having a great time with them. I went about my business, thinking - how cute - until.... I realized that they were the photos I had spent HOURS organizing the other day. I ran to get them - only.... now.... there were only ten or so there - the others TOTALLY gone - I mean, we searched high and low. Gone.

Like the rest of you, I'm sure, I do NOT like losing things. Recently, I was getting ready to go out, and... one of my beloved silver hoop earrings flipped out of my hand and landed near my slippers next to my wardrobe. I knelt down and searched. Nothing. I had just seen it fall! Searched more - nothing. To this day - no earring (and it was a pair my Mom picked out just for me - which made me feel good - on the heels of another favorite pair breaking ... anyway, it just sucked). So... photos make me nuts. I get extremely nervous dealing with photos - downloading, burning CDs, moving them, copying them..... because I love them SO MUCH :-). My mind was racing - I even lost my appetite - WHERE were those photos? I thought about a story from when I was kid. My parents had a dinner party - lots of my Dad's work friends - an interesting group - had lived all over - were funny - had known us all forever.... Anyway, I was sitting around the kitchen table with a bunch of the kids there - my brothers, etc., and.... this boy I knew took one of my favorite dolls and jokingly threw her glasses (yes, she wore glasses - I accessorized my dolls in strange ways - some had braces - others had very short sporty haircuts... Anyway...) over his shoulder. We all saw them land next to a chair. I went to get them - no glasses. We all searched - no glasses. To this day - no glasses. Just weird. So.... the photos, right? Anyway - I found them behind a couch cushion at like midnight. so... I suppose all these lost things are somewhere - maybe right in front of us, and... for some reason, we just can't see them - maybe they just don't want to be found. Speaking of weird.... I digress....

OK - so the photo today is relevant to being lost because.... it was Mother's Day two years ago (and, as that date approaches again, I am reminded again of that time in my life). I should have been on top of the world - a new baby - a happy grade schooler and preschooler - one still at home with me .... All good, right? But... I had just lost a few people to illness, which was sad. I had another friend who was sick - plus I was feeling detached from my group of friends. Also, I didn't have a support group nearby. I was chubby so couldn't wear ANY of my clothes. My hubby was enjoying a great professional and personal life during the week without me, and ... on weekends, we were preoccupied with our respective lives. It was odd. AND it all exploded a few weeks after this. People got sicker -family members got meaner - hubby and I drifted further apart - I worked a fundraiser by myself - my hair got uglier .... And... to his day, it all bothers me. Why me, right? Why do other people enjoy support and love and I was so alone during this time? My kids kept me going. I love them so much. We took a Disney trip shortly after, and.... I did feel better (I don't know why that worked, but it did - though I do remember still feeling very shaky -but appreciative that, finally, people close to me did actually realize that I existed).

As Mother's Day approaches this year, I wonder what we'll do. Other people have to split their day with family, but... I doubt anyone will be interested. I'm feeling some detachment lately from those close to me, but.... I will NEVER let ANYONE make me feel like I did then. Not fair. I need to move on, but... I will not forget. It made me a different person. Digressing again. So... in past years, we've done the Race for the Cure (which I highly recommend) - we've done brunch with my mother-in-law - we've visited my Mom... We'll see.... my little Enzo has already starting shopping for me (like my Olivia used to... in fact, I'll probably look at photos of when it was just she and I and cry those bittersweet "memory tears" ;-)- we have a fundraiser to attend that weekend - probably lacrosse - so... maybe it'll be just like any other day - but I do take that day to remember how much I appreciate my kids every year, and I will do the same this year. Sometimes, they are my only comfort. I think we all feel that now and then.... I mean ... our hubbies try to understand, but.... it's hard .... different lives, different days..... Being a mom can be so many things at one time - isolating, rewarding, fantastic, trying..... up and down.... all the time. And ... we wouldn't trade it for the the world.... but... communicating that constant dichotomy - especially to our spouses - can be tricky.... Anyway, ladies.... weigh in on it / discuss amongst yourselves... You know your comments are always welcome here :-).

Obstacles

So ... I was going to write about my laundry room today or lack thereof ... not in a 50's housewife kind of way, but... more in a "I'm neat and clean and really envy the beautiful laundry rooms I see on HGTV with new cool appliances in funky colors and little baskets full of sorts of fresh smelling laundry ecoutrements" way. Living in a house that is 100+ years old, a lot has been redone - to the point that a house we lived in once that had been built in the '60's wasn't as updated as our current much older house - but... still, we have a grimy sandstone basement with exposed walls - we have layers of paint on some areas of the house - our porch is in disrepair - our roof is still slate and expensive to fix -that kind of stuff. So.... I realized - it's not just the lovely first floor (no running the stairs), pristine laundry room that I long to have - it is a house free of worries - OR - more realistically, a house that doesn't add to the obstacles in my day.

Everyday, I have a number of obstacles. First, getting school uniforms upstairs to sleepy kids, waking up over their cereal, eggs and granola bars. Hubby showers while I dig through drawers (today, for example, we had all the shirts, pants, skirts, etc., but... of the socks in my daughter's drawer, none of them were going to work with her shoes today - did I mention they wear uniforms??? - same %$#@!* shoes everyday!), make lunches, dress the little ones, fill back packs with gym shoes - piano books - checks for fundraisers and field trips, make the beds (no one, but me, it appears, has time), etc. I've been through all this before. On top of all that, I have a high maintenance client right now making constant demands and maddening revisions to a project already in progress. I like the client - I really like my designer "go between", but... I am stressed. Another obstacle. My mind is not on what it should be.

I find that I have this tendency to panic a bit. OK - everybody out the door (though, today, I hear reports that my 5 year old is now saying he's not feeling well - must remain on deck for pick-up) - now.... I can work... Wait! Little ones who weren't hungry 10 min. ago now want breakfast. They want honey, peanut butter and whole grain crackers. This is sticky and needs to be assembled. While I am assembling, I remember that I have had an important school RSVP filled out for days now, but... have missed the deadline for turn-in. I also notice out of the corner of my eye that my kindergartner (remember - young for his class, so... does extra handwriting, cutting and other number, phonics practice to keep up - enjoys it - but hard for me to find a quiet moment to spend with him working) has brought home his extra work folder and, in it, is a bunch of extra cutting practice (great - it appears I have allowed him to fall behind - and why? Because I hide our kid scissors from the two year old then cannot find them myself, so... buy more... only to lose them again .... only to forget to practice...ugh). Hmmm .... gotta get ALL that organized.

PLUS ... this is an odd time of year... winter coats accompany spring jackets in our entry way - winter boots have been retired, but... rain boots, running shoes, sports cleats, etc. litter the floor in the hall. I need to make the house liveable (put away these shoes and ALL the baskets of laundry, filling bedrooms, hallways, laundry area IN ADDITION TO getting new blinds on critical windows currently without - like boys' bedroom, kitchen, upstairs bathroom - hello neighbors! Another ugh). I really just want to listen to Lilliana sing songs - play board games with Milo - take Enzo grocery shopping for yummy recipe items - see ALL of Olivia's lacrosse games - even get my own hair cut or go for a walk (haven't done either in a loooong time - I envy the runners and walkers I see going by my house - I get embarrassed about my appearance), but.... I'm trying to hurdle all these obstacles.

Suggestions anyone? I may just be venting, but... the more I write, the better I feel. Odd? Anyway.... I'm sure a lot of you know what I'm trying to say here.

In closing, here's a story to put it all in perspective. My Olivia made me aware of this months ago (all over YouTube), and... maybe you've heard about it too, but... it's the story of baby Eliot, born with a rare genetic disease with a low survival rate, and his family, and... their wonderful celebration of his short life - 99 days. When he died, they released 99 balloons in his memory and started a foundation of the same name (99 Balloons) to help families with special needs kids. Amazing. The family has since had two healthy kids (ages 18 mos. and 3 mos. - the youngest another boy), and they have two blogs - here and here.

Photo: My grown-up, sensitive Olivia and friends before a school dance. Beautiful.