Lost

No - not me.... and definitely not the TV show. Yesterday, as I was feeling ultra-organized, having just attended a community event with all kids in tow and... throughout the lengthy event, I was able to produce whatever my restless kiddies needed - juice? got it. goldfish crackers? got those. multi-grain crackers? those too. In fact, I had little pretend play dollies, coloring books, electronic games, raisins, etc. all stuffed into my big black Kate Spade diaper bag (with which I have a love / hate relationship - too heavy, but ... man - does it hold a lot or what?!?!) - I was SET. At home, I efficiently made dinner and put away laundry - I began preparing back packs for school - dished out homework advice - worked on my own project - all with little to no chaos.... until I noticed that Lil had a big pile of photos laid out all over the stairs and was kissing some - folding others - just having a great time with them. I went about my business, thinking - how cute - until.... I realized that they were the photos I had spent HOURS organizing the other day. I ran to get them - only.... now.... there were only ten or so there - the others TOTALLY gone - I mean, we searched high and low. Gone.

Like the rest of you, I'm sure, I do NOT like losing things. Recently, I was getting ready to go out, and... one of my beloved silver hoop earrings flipped out of my hand and landed near my slippers next to my wardrobe. I knelt down and searched. Nothing. I had just seen it fall! Searched more - nothing. To this day - no earring (and it was a pair my Mom picked out just for me - which made me feel good - on the heels of another favorite pair breaking ... anyway, it just sucked). So... photos make me nuts. I get extremely nervous dealing with photos - downloading, burning CDs, moving them, copying them..... because I love them SO MUCH :-). My mind was racing - I even lost my appetite - WHERE were those photos? I thought about a story from when I was kid. My parents had a dinner party - lots of my Dad's work friends - an interesting group - had lived all over - were funny - had known us all forever.... Anyway, I was sitting around the kitchen table with a bunch of the kids there - my brothers, etc., and.... this boy I knew took one of my favorite dolls and jokingly threw her glasses (yes, she wore glasses - I accessorized my dolls in strange ways - some had braces - others had very short sporty haircuts... Anyway...) over his shoulder. We all saw them land next to a chair. I went to get them - no glasses. We all searched - no glasses. To this day - no glasses. Just weird. So.... the photos, right? Anyway - I found them behind a couch cushion at like midnight. so... I suppose all these lost things are somewhere - maybe right in front of us, and... for some reason, we just can't see them - maybe they just don't want to be found. Speaking of weird.... I digress....

OK - so the photo today is relevant to being lost because.... it was Mother's Day two years ago (and, as that date approaches again, I am reminded again of that time in my life). I should have been on top of the world - a new baby - a happy grade schooler and preschooler - one still at home with me .... All good, right? But... I had just lost a few people to illness, which was sad. I had another friend who was sick - plus I was feeling detached from my group of friends. Also, I didn't have a support group nearby. I was chubby so couldn't wear ANY of my clothes. My hubby was enjoying a great professional and personal life during the week without me, and ... on weekends, we were preoccupied with our respective lives. It was odd. AND it all exploded a few weeks after this. People got sicker -family members got meaner - hubby and I drifted further apart - I worked a fundraiser by myself - my hair got uglier .... And... to his day, it all bothers me. Why me, right? Why do other people enjoy support and love and I was so alone during this time? My kids kept me going. I love them so much. We took a Disney trip shortly after, and.... I did feel better (I don't know why that worked, but it did - though I do remember still feeling very shaky -but appreciative that, finally, people close to me did actually realize that I existed).

As Mother's Day approaches this year, I wonder what we'll do. Other people have to split their day with family, but... I doubt anyone will be interested. I'm feeling some detachment lately from those close to me, but.... I will NEVER let ANYONE make me feel like I did then. Not fair. I need to move on, but... I will not forget. It made me a different person. Digressing again. So... in past years, we've done the Race for the Cure (which I highly recommend) - we've done brunch with my mother-in-law - we've visited my Mom... We'll see.... my little Enzo has already starting shopping for me (like my Olivia used to... in fact, I'll probably look at photos of when it was just she and I and cry those bittersweet "memory tears" ;-)- we have a fundraiser to attend that weekend - probably lacrosse - so... maybe it'll be just like any other day - but I do take that day to remember how much I appreciate my kids every year, and I will do the same this year. Sometimes, they are my only comfort. I think we all feel that now and then.... I mean ... our hubbies try to understand, but.... it's hard .... different lives, different days..... Being a mom can be so many things at one time - isolating, rewarding, fantastic, trying..... up and down.... all the time. And ... we wouldn't trade it for the the world.... but... communicating that constant dichotomy - especially to our spouses - can be tricky.... Anyway, ladies.... weigh in on it / discuss amongst yourselves... You know your comments are always welcome here :-).