And ... I'm not sure why. BUT - everything - literally EVERYTHING makes me tired, sore or creates such a brain fry, I can't even think straight lately. Is it the constant - "Mommy - why can't we stay downstairs with you?" - "Can I have juice - no, vanilla milk - no, lemonade - no water - wait, what is there to drink?" - "Hey - where's my sandwich and pizza (yeah - Enzo the eater often has two lunches)?" "Can we knock on the neighbor's door?" "Can we get (insert name of toy) for Christmas?" - "Is tomorrow another no school day?" - Or - the latest - as of 5 min ago ..."Mommy, Orangey (pet goldfish - or as Lillliana says, "Rangey") is stuck in the filter; is he dead?" Probably, right? What do I say, though??? "Wait until Daddy gets home; he'll coax him out." Sigh.
MAYBE - just maybe - it is also the fact that I was just shown a blog that this professional writer uses as part of her bio, and... it is .... well.... insincere. I think I was really struck by that because she is... um .... for lack of a much better word - a "mom blogger" - like me, I suppose. I mean, if I were grading her for sincerity, I would all kinds of mark it up. She cites some good publications as clients or some of her regular byline haunts, but....hmmm.... I am so wondering about her motivation.... though I do know that she does have an assignment that seems pretty visible - at least this week (sneaky colleagues - thank you). And.... I'm amazed - just AMAZED that some of you guys - my friends and / or fellow bloggers do NOT have a bunch of professional bylines behind you because... you're all awesome - really - jealousy-inspiring writers - DUE TO the fact that we are honest and confessional and attempt to be supportive of one another, and... though some of us are interested in writing features .... as supermom or otherwise - you know, helpful, timely articles ..... it does not appear that we have as much logged in on our pro resume as this chick (some of you do - and congrats for that - you are my inspiration - seriously). Plus - she has what she calls a "crunchy / green" area that is the premise of her blog, and.... it is 6 months - yes - 6 MONTHS!!!! behind. I'm not interested in evaluating anybody - in fact, I love the fact that we can all love one another and appreciate one another - grammatical errors, differing opinions, cheesey family photos, stolen recipes and all. I just find it odd that her "community of moms" is being leveraged for her byline resume - her lengthy, 5 paragraph (yeah - I know..... I KNOW - I am far longer-winded ;-), highly structured, "I've written this for a magazine editor" posts are not sincere at all - seem more "I am a member of the mainstream media" than "I am your objective, direct, honest blogger." I would direct you there, and I'm SURE you would agree, but... that is not how I roll.... can't do that.... I'm not here to "out" anybody, but I am here to tell you guys... well... how I feel.... and I fully expect you to reprimand me OR offer an opinion or explanation OR just nod and write me something silly :-).
OK - so - you're right - that can't be it. An insincere, highly suspect mom blog can't be so detrimental to my health and well-being that it causes my old gymnastics tendonitis injury to act up - or my lower back pain to persist - or my lack of caffeine headache to get worse..... ALL THAT is me worrying about school starting - about missing my kids - about not doing enough this summer - about my future as a writer, entrepreneur, wife and mother, sister.... whatever. I have high expectations for myself. I want a family that comes home to my warm, loving house on holidays and eats turkey and sits around the fire and goes skiing together - I want a business that will give me a creative outlet but allow me to be the best mom I can be to my kids - I want my sloppy joes and chicken soup and brownies to be appreciated now while I am focusing on the home and my family - I don't want my head to be turned by people who are shamelessly promoting themselves under false pretenses. I, like you, want to be happy.
So .... maybe all this input sometimes overwhelms me - makes me think I'm on the wrong track - trusting the wrong people - ignoring my intuitions...... BUT I think I'm OK - I think I'm right where I need to be. I am not all sunshine and roses, but I am all kinds of happy about my current role - my decisions to date..... ALL good. I just need to chat now and then, ya know? You guys ever feel the same way?