10 August 2010
And, yes - I am thinking of heading back into the workforce fulltime (after some years in freelance work here at home). I have thought about it for a long time - even interviewed for jobs when I was 4, 5 and 8 months pregnant with Lilliana - then again when she wasn't even two weeks old - just days after my c-section and on driving restrictions, I ignored all post-surgical warnings and ventured out, bent on getting that job (and I almost did). At the time, I was scared I could not handle a new baby with such small boys and a grade schooler - no family to help - hubby working long hours and traveling. But... I did make it work. I tried so hard to be a good stay at home mother - attentive, loving, productive - whatever.
Truthfully, my kids deserve more than what I can give. They are spirited, eager, sweet and loving. By contrast, I am cranky, angry, weepy and frazzled lately. I am not worthy of being home. They will be better off in school, responsible and nurturing daycare situations and / or after school programs with their little friends. Others can do it, but I am totally unable to manage the demands of a high schooler, a kindergartner, preschooler and toddler - too diverse - I'm spread too thin, and.... while I want to make it work, I'm thinking I just can't. I am a bad "CEO of the Home" - ineffective (though - kudos to you who are successful).
Over the past few weeks, I've ruined more dinners than I've cooked (poured a whole container of peppercorns into some corn I had just cut, buttered and salted on the stove and got my poor Enzo and Lil excited about - burned roasted veggies - over-reduced sauce - dried out some chicken - under salted my kids' beloved mashed potatoes) - I've yelled more than I've cuddled (and today was awful - no one would listen - while shopping for field hockey supplies for Olivia, it was tantrum after tantrum - and I intensely dislike being the mean Mommy - can't even enjoy lunch out with the kids because I've lost control and no one wants to be around me anyway) - and it appears they are more excited to see Daddy or big sis, Olivia, at the end of the day anyway (who wouldn't be - I am no fun - all work and no play these days). I am kidding myself with this SAHM thing. I am not good at it. A couple of "signs" (conversations, chance meetings, serendipitous memories or connections...) over the past few days have convinced me that it is the right thing to do, so .... will probably need to decide what to do with my silly old "mom blog" too ;-).
I'm sad because I will so desperately miss them during the day, and I'm disappointed in myself for failing so miserably, but... I'm trying to stay positive and... do what's best for my kids, of course. They don't need to be around cranky, tired, overworked, mean Mommy - I need to direct some of that to some co-workers who might deserve it ;-) - and, yes, I do realize that I am using the winking emoticon like punctuation again - hard post for me - have to keep it light ;-).
Anyway - off to Kennywood tomorrow where Enzo will ride roller coasters - Milo will play games - and Lilliana will be amazed, all of it new to her. Olivia is bringing a friend and is excited - hubby took the day off. We are meeting my cousin and her family (and possibly another cousin :-), so.... I'm excited too. I am not from the area, but my Dad and his family were - so... back when I was a kid, I do have memories of Kennywood - riding coasters with my Dad and uncle (the cousin I'm meeting is younger than I am so was a baby back then) - I remember the picnic lunch my Grandma would pack..... Should be fun.
Photo: Me and all my kiddies plus a couple of silly summer scenes.... Images seem kinda more important now that I know this may be the last summer home. Hmmm...... a new emotion.... sniff?
One last thing (a little lift): Women 40 somethings and 30 somethings outselling 20 somethings on magazine covers (and becoming top earners in Hollywood) - even though demographics should say otherwise - here. Hurray! Maybe I will actually get a job with this kind of trend :-). Hopefully .....
Gonna need support on this. Hard decision for me.
Posted by Sherri at 11:19:00 PM