Drowning

... in a sea of fighting kids, laundry piles, school paperwork, family crap so bad I have hives, insomnia that persists because life is too hectic to continue implementation of my "cure"....

The fighting between my kids is out of control - the demands from my high schooler sometimes seem too much - the fact that my boys have decided that they will not go to their toy, movie and fun-filled bedroom AT ALL during the day and, instead, want to lay around the tv room (too humid outside) while I work around them (weeks of play have left me with a lot to do this week and next) is MADDENING - and makes for a messy, inefficient living space complete with dirty carpets, sticky floors and a musty couch (not to mention, a two year old lost in the shuffle and a high schooler fed up with it all). Hubby works A LOT these days, and... I am left alone - a lot on my mind - tremendous lower back pain (which they say is stress-related and in your head 90% of the time - snap out of it, Sher!). Half the time over the past few weeks, I make dinner and no one but my little ones show up. Last night, hubby and I DID show up - we sat (Olivia at sleepover with four friends - Kelly, Caroline, Olivia B, Olivia Z) and tried to eat while Milo screamed and refused food - Lil was up and down during the whole meal (then cried at meal's end when she realized her plate had been cleared) - Enzo wouldn't sit on his seat and wolfed food down, anxious to get back to the damn Wii - they ALL talked over us and demanded anything from vanilla milk to a "new spoon" every 30 seconds - they engaged in potty talk at the table despite repeated reprimands - they laughed when I attempted discipline. I mean... I'm going through closets right now - desperately needs to get done if we are going to get all these kids' bedrooms organized for start of schoolyear - and, after being interrupted, yelled for, subjected to tantrums or fights every 5 minutes for a stretch of hours yesterday (they will NOT occupy themselves with anything productive - despite my direction - despite access to all sorts of stuff - maybe this is just too much summer - don't know), I sat, hands shaking, near tears, hot, sleepless, foodless and just... totally wrung out ... for a bit, trying to collect my thoughts. I couldn't. I'm really stressed (though my momentary breakdown prompted a fun indoor game of hide n seek - exactly what I WANT them to do!). Sigh. I feel awful.

Last night, I did get to take a drive (picking Olivia and pals up from movie) - listen to music, roll my windows down and breathe a bit (that on the heels of my boys wanting to look at comic books with me pre-bedtime - plus, have to admit, Lil was my "fairy buddy" all day yesterday). I reflected on an absurd argument I had with Olivia earlier (though she did offer me Starbucks as I was on my way to get them, which made me feel like maybe everything was OK) - a nice phone conversation with my cousin - a chat with my Mom - how hubby seemed overworked but attentive to me. All good.

Anyway .... need a break. The post I composed this am was far too "rant-y" - probably warranted - but also probably best left for another day. I will gain perspective and return, refreshed ;-).