Awake again.

Just woke from a nasty dream - one of those that leaves you with an unsettled feeling - is is loss? fear? sadness? A vague notion that the dream was bad enough to imply harm to a family member. Is it my brave 8th grader - my sweet kindergarten guy(the two who come to mind because I am responsible for them yet I send them off into the world all day long)?? Is it me?

Alone at night, I go to my comfort areas - look at my iPhoto pictures, read, think about recipes, make a hot bevy, turn on silly movies.... tonight, I went to see updates from friends on Facebook - get caught up on email, etc., having let the kids do Noggin / Nick stuff for part of the evening (I had laundry, dinner dishes, social studies homework, bath for the three wild ones ;-) - don't get me wrong, for all my "to do" list complaining, I also bake and eat cookies, watch The Next Iron Chef, enjoy the fact that hubby grilled our dinner, minimizing my "workload" - whatever - quite a bit, etc.). Then... I came here :-). In both places, I found encouraging posts, info., messages from friends. And.... I must say, I feel much better.

So - these dreams / nightmares / thoughts... Do they come from the occasional hostility I feel from family members, my own guilt in forgetting things like the Book Fair (me and my special guy read his new book tonight at bedtime - something about Charlie and his superhero underpants - funny for us since little bro often walks the house in a cape and Underdog t-shirt - so...all is good - forgiven / forgotten about that, btw :-), my current harried lifestyle causing an overflow of shoulda, coulda, woulda, H1N1 hysteria??? Who knows. For now, I'm just grateful that my hubby is asleep with our boys in the "big bed" - all of them snuggled together in the big fluffy white bedclothes (having all had bedtime "issues", ranging from stuffy nose to "I can't sleep", they all fell asleep together, and I don't even mind hanging with the baby / 2 yr old tonight and her cough - like hubby said earlier, all of this little kids stuff is not forever, which is totally food for thought, eh?) - my oldest daughter, after an intense, somewhat tearful but productive conversation with me earlier today about how much we've been through together and some recent "intrusions" from well-meaning people that have left us a bit deflated, hurt, confused, had turned our interaction into playful banter and sincere chat about taking better care of ourselves, friends, family, etc. After working on and adding wonderful brother and sister prose and sayings to a very sweet black and white photo of she and her brother (the kindergarten guy) hugging (I'm sure this bit of artwork is Facebook bound ;-), she is sleeping peacefully. I am not, however. I've never been a sleeper - chronic insomniac since childhood. Tonight or this morning, rather, I am, once again, embracing the idea of some hot tea and a mindless movie.

I do feel better. Thank you, friends (and, of course, thank you, hubby and babies - yeah, they're all still my babies ;-).