Purpose? And tattoos?

As you all know, this has been a BIG question with me lately. Big one. Like ... all-consuming big one. I sit in my house this am - in my funky flannels and my tacky purple skull and crossbones shirt - poking at my cherry clafoutis, which didn't set properly but tastes OK (see recipe - earlier post)and does so because hubby brought me the world's tastiest cherries from Whole Foods the other night (attempting to encourage something that interests me, I think :-) - gazing sadly at my dead coffeemaker and sulkily drinking my sub-par English breakfast tea (I'm low on tea bags too - and made this batch too weak - ugh - my sweet Dad bought me that coffeemaker complete with cappuccino capabilities back when my recently departed ex had taken the one my friends had given me, and my Dad noticed that it made me sad :-) - sniff - those days are gone) - and.... I'm trying to figure out JUST what it is that I do well.

This morning, as hubby was off to work and I was.... well... still gazing about the kitchen, he attempted to cheer me up, saying, "You take care of this house of 6 so well - I mean... um... look... everything in its place... clean... kids happy." And... I can't help but let my mind wander to the fact that.... well - they won't be happy for long; they'll fight (and props to Olivia for helping a great deal yesterday with the chaos as well as breaking up a particularly nasty and fierce knockdown / drag-out on the landing this am as I attempted a shower with no luck). And... this laundry, dusting, vacuuming thing? Boring. And guess what's for dinner AGAIN tonight? Chicken and mashed potatoes and glazed carrots and... what's that? You're losing interest? Drifting a bit? Yeah.... me too.

So ... good news for hubby - a web site that he worked on was randomly chosen by Crain's Business as one of their top 10 for 2010. He is being interviewed on Tuesday along with his content person and account manager (and, btw, I "Freudingly" typed "we worked on..." instead of "he worked on..." earlier before correcting - See, I often feel these PR chicks are doing my job - we did, after all, work together for years.... YEARS!). He also has little kid soccer draft this evening - beers after with his coaching friends.... Olivia has a birthday dinner with a friend (not to mention a pool party hosted by one of her camp friends at her house in Sewickley tomorrow night - a community I highly covet - wish I would have known Pittsburgh better when I first moved here). I am doing nothing - literally nothing. I had a few tentative plans fall through for the weekend - plus have not scheduled a hair appointment yet and now hubby wants to take the boys fishing tomorrow. All good. I'll find something.

I'm feeling restless, I think. My arms are sore from a really good workout yesterday (yeah - I kicked my own ass - thinking about doing it again today - one positive that occurs when I get bored is my urge to exercise more... so... gotta work that, I think ;-), and.... I have to say... last evening .... as I mixed and baked and Lil sat on the floor and cut (and ate) little orange cherry tomatoes with her plastic IKEA knife and we unpacked our CSA basket and I could hear my boys and the neighbors playing in the "clubhouse" through the screen door - that whole laughter on the air bit - being called into dinner - just great retro "play in the neighborhood" stuff (hi, free rangers :-), life was GOOD - like goooooood.

Now, I can't say that I didn't have a restless moment yesterday. In fact, I had a big one. On our way to the "concussion test" at Oakland Catholic (and, no, they don't smack them in the head and then ask a series of questions - we know they don't - we asked ;-) with my Olivia and her two friends, Molly and Caroline, in the car.... ANOTHER friend texted a photo of her cartilege piercing from a tattoo parlor on the Southside (hi, Olivia B). Now... I have to digress a bit.... A few weeks before, when this friend expressed her desire to have this piercing, my Olivia showed her my ear - two holes through the cartilege - way up high, and.... I HAD to tell her the equivalent of our parents "walked 10 miles in the snow to school" story - my piercing story. How I got it done like at the mall - and it was awful and didn't work - and I had pain and yukiness - and then..... my friend got another tattoo and I went along and this super cool piercing artist said to me, "I can fix that", and he did - with a big long hollow needle - left it in - told me to keep a certain kind of jewelry in it, etc. Another digression..... I DID develop a little crush on him (remember that, mina? ;-), BUT he did fix it. I let it close when EVERYONE started to pierce EVERYTHING. Now, however, I often gaze longingly at tattoos. Cool ones - like the bright, pastel-y, flowery sleeves that look so great on some people (I'm looking at you, Jamie, on last season's Top Chef). Immediately, I engaged poor Molly in a conversation about tattoos (hey - she was willing :-) - and Kat Von D and LA Ink (oh Kat, do you remember the days after Lil was born in the hospital and I watched you on TLC all night? - limited viewing there - but I got sucked in - like a soap opera). Anyway, I did get this urge to floor it - and speed my minivan to the Southside to check out the piercing and to peruse tattoos. I didn't. I went straight to the "concussion test" :-).

So .... what's up with y'all today? I found this cereal - Cascadian Farm (Kids), organic, Fruitful O's - as we shopped organics in the Market District at Giant Eagle yesterday ... whole grain, sweetened with fruit juice AND iron-fortified. Good news as Milo needs a follow up blood test for his iron saturation problem in the next few days, and HE was the one who picked it out - go figure. Also - I made my flu shot appointments (poor Milo needs the shot as he was admitted to the hospital for Croup last year - the others, including my two year old, can do the mist). They are NOT doing separate flu and H1N1 this year, so that's good. Also, I go to a busy practice, and they are scheduling two dates in Sept. They left their message for me the other day, but... the appointments aren't even close to filling up yet - also good news. So - if you are flu shot people, gotta think about getting that scheduled already.

Photos: Yep - more that my kids took of me...;-).

Gotta go - planning to throw the Wii into the backyard for good today :-), but... legos are grabbing some interest now, and... Lil is full of "secrets" today, whispered in my ear (and totally enamored of her fancy new hair clips - we should all take a lesson on the bright side from Lil :-), so.... something good is a brewin'..... and I will meditate on that as I head off to re-wash the kitchen floor, bleach a load of whites and Olivia's grease-stained shorts, fill out some more school paperwork and clean out the produce drawers in the fridge. Good times.

Day 1 trying to grab this elusive confidence thing...

... and I'm really not going to pontificate for long today. Really. I have far too much to say - far too much going on in my head - and, of course, far too much going on already in the house this morning.

Suffice to say that I am struggling with the insomnia again. I have been working on it. One long ago friend did give me a great "cure" recently in that it also provided me my much-needed pre-sleep downtime and forced me to implement some me time and some nightly disciplines (well - if tea and wine are disciplines ;-). He had suggested working out in the evening to clear my head - and... while I kept to an earlier day workout (just kids' schedules right now), I did do the no food after a certain hour, chamomile tea (though substituted hot chocolate one night when my daughter wanted some -and - fyi - despite the extra fat to digest and the bits of sugar and caffeine - it worked too - must be the warm milk thing), red wine (had a few bottles started at recent dinners or whatever and were sitting around and made it through them - little sips at a time - in fact, need more (and can say that this component also seemed to alleviate my back pain a bit as did the workout). Anyway.... it was working - IS working, really.... I watched my Top Chef last night (and, btw, Angelo is lucky that Alex is so incompentent or he may have been gone for his store-bought puff pastry choice) - did part of the "routine" and feel asleep, but... when something wakes me at 4 am or so, I'm up.

Anyway - on LinkedIn, my hubby enjoys great success, but I have actually had people view my profile and turn me away. Less than half of the "people I might know" have responded to me. Failure. I suspected as much. Also, revamping my resume for feedback has brought feedback that is just beyond me right now - more bullet points under positions that I would rather forget - drop things that I feel might lead me into my dream jobs of fashion or the arts (don't pay, right? :-( and, therefore, I want to keep! Ugh.... worries for another day. Can say this, though - looks like my position as CEO of the Home is impressing NO ONE right now.

Yesterday, I took Olivia's uniform skirts to be hemmed - after pinning and measuring part of the morning away. I shopped b-day presents for some of her friends - one on her way to Shadyside Academy while Olivia goes to Oakland Catholic (they are writing one another long sentimental letters and, I'm sure, will still stay close) - we also shopped bras and underwear at Target (where I found Enzo and Milo trying on bras and saying they had "lady boobs" - I have no words....), food for dinner (does hummus count?).... did lunch in the mall food court while picking up photos - just a day of errands, which I suspect I will continue today. On the weight loss front... I did NOT make it to the gym :-(, but... I did miss dinner (just got too late... field hockey carpool complete with uniform deposits and other forms to turn in - rearranging Lil's room to create new play areas while I go through my own paperwork, photos, etc. .... think I forgot until I woke with grumbly stomach - ever do that?).

So ... long story short, I wish I could find a way to boost my confidence - with job search, etc. Just not in the cards right now. I'm kinda in a holding pattern, and... that's fine. Anyone else feeling this way?

Photo: The stairs to the "clubhouse". Think we'll go there today too :-).

Oh - and I think my Krups coffeemaker / cappuccino maker died today - after MANY years together. Anyone have a suggestion for a replacement or should I just go with the tried and true?

One last thing.... Do you watch Project Runway? OK - I do sometimes. Anyway, here's a story on judge, Nina Garcia, who is beautiful, stylish, successful (editor in chief of Marie Claire, right?), and... 45 years old..... and pregnant with her second child. So there, those who think 40 is the end of beauty and life choices and style.... blah blah blah...

No more excuses.

I have this tendency to evaluate my appearance, my body, my style, etc. very harshly. I intensely dislike photos of myself and I am constantly striving to take at least one "pretty" one so my kids will remember me when I was young as fun and attractive (and this is anywhere - if I'm baking cookies and notice my hair looks good, I may prompt hubby to snap one - or if we're out and I feel like I actually like what I have on, I may ask for another quick candid - usually one of my eyes looks bigger than the other - you can see my gray streaked ugly ash brown roots or I have yet another breakout - Ooooo - worse, I look fat .... AGAIN). Vain? No. Silly? Probably. Deluded? Yes.

And... by deluded - I mean on both ends. There are days that I think I look fabulous and... in hindsight - I wonder how I did not manage to embarass Olivia - repulse hubby and / or make my little ones laugh at me. Other times, I look at a photo from just a few years ago when I was lamenting a bad haircut, feeling chubby and hating my outfit, AND... oddly.... now I think I look great - and so does hubby - and Olivia - and my Mom (now that's sayin' something).

I've been many things - lipsticked, dressed up dancer in my high-heeled Frye boots by day - my appropriately ripped up sweats and leg warmers by night - ballet bun and / or long, loose curls - nails were always done - eye shadow always 80s funky - and the jewelry - oh the rings and ear piercings... 7 total. I then went punk - hair long in the front, shaved in the back a la skate punk style (and skating those empty swimming pools and long, flat city steps WAS fun, wasn't it? As were the hardcore shows - alternative dance nights with my "Waver" friends....) - army jackets - pegged jeans - converse sneaks - black everything - shirts, skinny skirts, baggy sweats - Oh - and combat boots and Doc Martens (I still take my old buckled Docs out now and then and caress and care for them :-). I even entered a crunchy, hippy, granola stage - living at the oceanfront, I was all long, straight, sunstreaked hair - no makeup - sunglasses - flip flops - bells and braided bracelets on my ankles - back pack - hiking shorts (and, yes, I hiked and ran during this time - a 5K - an 8K - one scary Maine rock climbing trip - another scary white water adventure in WVA) - a little fairy wish bell around my neck - crystals.... In fact, I sometimes freak a little - thinking people still see me as the bohemian, gypsy type, and... I want a little more from my style than that. By contrast, those who knew me as the professional, remember a designer obsessed chick with short, choppy hair - chunky silver jewelry - lots of boots and heels - ALWAYS solid colors (no prints here), and... that's not really me either (I blame the ad, pr and marketing industry).

Now? I don't know. I suspect I may be all of those things. I wear old punk rock t-shirts to work out at the gym. For simplicity, I usually just grow my hair long - but end up hacking at my bangs or my layers myself - having expensive colorists add color that I end up hating. I do wear flip flops, long skirts and tie dyes in the summer - usually no make up - AND in the winter, I'm all scrunchy UGGS, clingy skirts or yoga pants, puffy jackets and funky scarves with bright lipstick and sunglasses. I am, admittedly, a little boring. Every now and then, I buy a cool pair of earrings that my long, stringy hair hides or I buy a new pair of shoes that I end up never wearing. I usually blame time - even lack of interest (house and kids making me crazy), but... I'm finding that I have no excuses.

I hang with some people at the pool who do their workout and show up, kids in tow, hair pushed back - requisite yoga pants or Athleta workout skirts over their faded bathing suits and they work it and they look good. I went to drop my Olivia at a friend's house to babysit the other night, and "the dad" showed up at the front door looking nothing like a dad but more like a teenager with his baseball hat on backwards - long baggy b-ball shorts on - bare feet. Could I pull that off? No. Can all these cute boys - my hubby included - who wear it all with confidence and bravado pull it off? Yes. My neighbor just shaved her head and it looks fabulous, so... there goes my "I can't have style because nothing is low maintenance" excuse (and, yes, M, I am shaking my fist at you right now - I know you're out picking peaches, but I'm shaking it - you just can't see me ;-). Another friend just dropped over 20 pounds in LESS THAN a summer, so.... again.... what's my excuse? I eat what the kids do.... blah blah blah - she has a kindergartner too!

I'm beginning to wonder if maybe confidence is what it takes to pull anything off AND that's precisely what I need to work on. Plus - I do need to get my hair cut every now and then - buy myself a lipstick or a shirt. I'm into this self-deprivation thing right now, and it is just NOT working for me.

Photos: Easter. A perfect example of what I mean. We took tons of photos. In each one, I look horrible for varying reasons. With Olivia - eyes closed (though, I am in heels - she in flats - so I look tall - I can't stand it when I look like a troll with all these middle school girls towering over me). With Lil - fat. Close up with Lil - fat - and what is UP with my hair?! Group photo... um.... look OK but why is everyone fighting and running from us? I included a "booty shot" - yes, my butt - in the mirror - a "before" photo for my workout progress. Need I say more? I often like the self-portraits that my kids take. I have a "witch" nose and chin, but... these photos look like ME - they capture my essence, I think - good or bad. And, yes - I included one of my famous self-portraits - ugly but I dig it (see my evaluation techniques are rather odd :-). And... finally... the family photo shoot - have said it before, will say it again - I look baaaad - everyone else looks fantastic. I think I tried to hide blemishes with too much make-up - had let someone put a "warm" red tone on my hair, and... well... yuck. Hubby looks cute, though.

OK - so here ya go.... A story here on salmonella and eggs. Just beware - does not seem to affect our region. And... here - what I'm been obsessing on lately.... how NOT to lose your temper (i.e. yell) when kids are acting up (perfect timing on this article - must be some summer angst a brewin' all over - and, on my end, I've already told them all to "shut up" this morning - and, at one time, my Olivia thought that was a swear word to give you ANY idea of how far my parenting skills have deteriorated with the addition of each wild child - and, today, hands shaking, stomach aching, I am LOSIN' IT). And... finally ... same mag - a story on "is your child a public menace?" Hmmm.... wonder who that applies to?

Top Chef tonight.... don't miss it!

"Bucking up" a bit ...

So - yesterday was completely uneventful. I made it to the gym - kids in tow - now, everyone there knows them, which is nice. I did make Milo some manicotti with spinach AND some meatballs (after my iron-boosting conversation with the doctor yesterday morning) for dinner - he ate only plain pasta with a little cheese on it (everyone else ate what I made - a good thing). Baby steps - baby steps... We did field hockey carpool - baked a little - made popcorn and watched a movie - played in the "clubhouse". I abandoned a project to refinish a little apothecary cabinet that we found over the weekend - it is in bad shape - not worth a refinish. We did stay focused and on task, though - not as much milling (which leads to fighting, which leads to yelling). Olivia folded a bit of her laundry - cleaned her room a little (a good thing - because friends expecting a baby called us late night to have their daughter, Caroline - Olivia's friend, sleep over while they rushed off to the hospital - hoping, this time, it wasn't a false alarm - I will report back as soon as I hear this am :-) - though.... we did have three - yes, the ever-present Olivia B was here too - girls up until 2 am or so, giggling, etc.).

So - thanks, all, for the advice you have provided over the past week or so, regarding kids and "chores". I did enlist some help from my boys yesterday to dust, pick up toys, wipe up in the kitchen, etc. They actually seem to enjoy it. Also - and I don't know if I'm alone in this (but I'm asking advice again :-), but I have been taking out the old kindergarten and Pre-K workbooks for them - having them do a few exercises - or sometimes, I just put out some paper and pens and have Enzo practice his name and some numbers - other words (he needs to practice his writing - had trouble with a pencil grip last year) - I have Milo write too (he knows how to do his name and the focus for just a couple of minutes seems to help him calm down). They can also color or work on their own projects. In fact, I have these little work stations set up in the dining room (which, I think I've mentioned before, has become sort of an art room for us :-). Does anyone else do this? Provide the extra school practice OR get them to focus on some drawing or writing or something creative for a bit - take a break from the wild stuff? Might be overkill, but... they seem to like it.

Anyway... Photo: Still reminiscing - especially talking to the friends on their way to the hospital with the baby last night. Feels like yesterday that I had contractions with Lil for days - had to have my mom come into town - had to step up the painting process in her room (which I did alone, btw). I like how I can see my reflection in her little glasses :-) in this photo - can remember taking it :-). Again - probably not last summer but summer before that. I also remember when our friends gave us that onesie for her, saying it looked like us - a little preppy, a little punk. Ah... memories :-).

Oh... and... my Linked In success is still pretty pathetic as is my job hunt thus far.... We'll see......

Some yin and yang for ya ...

I am on borrowed time right now - kids fighting like crazy people - and I've already been told by my Milo that I am "not the best Mommy" because I reprimanded him and sent he and Enzo upstairs for tormenting Lil. Olivia was on MY computer (hello - I don't have a laptop in my room) Facebooking all morning. All of them are full of demands for sugary, crappy breakfast food and, truthfully, right now - I just don't care. For some reason, too, they seem to think they need the big, heavy comforter to lay under all the time - despite the fact that our house still feels like it has too much humidity in it due to the high, sticky temps outside - and they leave that and chip crumbs and little tiny toys and crayons and books ALL OVER my downstairs. I had to take Milo to the doctor today for a follow up to his anemia (he is a bad eater and... they only detect it because he gets blood tests so often due to his Stage 2 Chronic Kidney Disease - far better than the Stage 4 or 5 that he was born with - wish it would entirely go improve, but.... anyway - good news - doctor not concerned, saying most kids are a little borderline at this age - bad news - another follow up blood test, which will not be pretty ... kicking, fighting, yelling). So ... Milo was my buddy all morning for his early, early appointment and while we went to the store. Now, like I said, he is angry - and... while I typed this, has already emerged from upstairs to demand yet another sugary drink and report that Enzo hit him. Now, I hear Enzo's "whiny, I've been wronged voice". Great.

Yesterday WAS a fun day - my kids and the neighbors -even little ones down the street - played forever on the swingset / treehouse (they call it their "clubhouse") most of the day. Hubby and I were excavating our storage unit under our garage. We had a bunch of old furniture and Mac boxes and other random yard "stuff" hauled away months ago, but... now we have the boxes that belong to his brother (from high school, it appears - took a serious trip down 1980's lane while organizing that mess) - dishes that his Mom says are not hers (but are) and have now been hosed off on our back lawn, making it look like an archaeological dig out there - old wood from various projects - other boxes from hubby's own office - more..... Truthfully, it was a little interesting to see all this stuff - old albums - espresso cups bought on a long ago trip to Spain - stationary with hubby's late father's signature on them - a stamp that bore his MD signature :-). We sort of mused about how it was nice that we had these little bits of our Dads' professional lives to share with our kids - Olivia has many of my Dad's old office pens (of course, my brother, the scavenger, has hidden or taken many of the expensive ones) and other desk "stuff" (where she used to sit and color while he did bills, etc.) - a photo of Enzo Ferrari hangs in my boys' room - a gift from the Ferrari people back when my Dad used to deal with them a lot - had hung in his office for a long time (he gave it to Enzo, loving that they had the same name - my Dad was a "sportscar guy"). Just kinda nice...

End of day, we went to a friend's birthday celebration - a lowkey trip to see some jazz in the park among friends. Our little ones met a new friend (actually, they knew eachother as babies, but...) and had a great time visiting a new playground, dancing to music and walking back to the house for some food with her. At the house, grown ups (including Olivia who had a kindred Calvary camper spirit among them) ate and chatted over decadent food and drinks, joking an laughing while the kids played tag, make believe, monkey in the middle and more. Our friends are avid art collectors and some beautiful and interesting pieces in their house - among them a large metal sculpture in the backyard - a big bird that lights up - and it, of course, fascinated the kids. It was really nice to see people we had not seen in a while - talk with friends we do see often - and meet new people (not to mention that our other dear friends - angry baker and brood - left us some REALLY good chocolate cake while we were gone - MUST HAVE RECIPE - Olivia ate half of it before we could even taste it :-). Trite but true - the friends part, that is ;-).

OK - so it has taken a loooong time to write this post today due to disturbance after disturbance after... you get the picture. We have been through several iterations of our morning - the furious and fast to the dr, to the store, unpack the car, wrangle wild ones constantly asking me for food and drink while I work phase - the lay around, fight, complain, break the Wii (hooray!), whine, mill about, get into trouble phase - now, the industrious play in the "clubhouse", put Barbies in the water table, drag riding toys to the front phase (and, for all my complaining, I DO love the faded, beaten up riding toys in the garage - I love the yard littered with lacross sticks, bats, balls and moldy "under the sea" toys for the water table - I love the tacky, bright pink Barbie debris all over the deck - the herbs going to flower - the grill that we use ALL THE TIME - the owl to scare the squirrels that Lil thinks is her friend - and, now, the view of the "clubhouse" from the deck where I watch them swing and do the crossbars and hide out in the top. ALL our chaos makes me happy. Speaking of... they have invaded yet again - demanding water, lolling all over each other (so someone will soon be hurt), so.... must go.

Photo: On the way home from the doctor early this am, I called to check on everyone before heading to the store.... and Lil wanted to talk to me - and... she sounded so grown-up to me... I just HAD to come home and find some sweet baby pics of her. This looks like about this time of year - two short years ago - wow. Little aside here: I love how she says "tiss" instead of "kiss" - so cute. See.... she's still a baby :-).

OK - fighting and crying has hit an all time high..... NOT even noon. What to do with the rest of the day .....

Quickly - congrats to Aarti as winner of Next Food Network Star and Holli as winner on Hell's Kitchen - they were my favorites :-) - though... nice job, Herb, on NFNS. And.... sorry to see Kenny go on Top Chef - though looking forward to this week.... despite the fact that this might be the most boring season yet.