SNAPPED, a post-holiday "story" from the "comfort" of my home.

Yeah - so total rant alert right now.... And, I do realize how I've been pontificating on how things have been going so well lately - sunshine, flowers, sushi and Christmas cheer, right? Well.... check this:

I have been awakened for... um... three? four? nights in a row now - Last night, it peaked at 9!!!!! times. 9. 9 times. And how? why? I'm sure you are riveted, right? Just waiting for my reply. Well ... here it is.... and it is NO surprise.... My kids. They wake me aaaaallllll night long.

Last night, my boys' requests ranged from some milk to getting rid of a scary noise to replacing the covers, which had - gasp!!!! - fallen off their legs. These requests came at midnight - at approximately 1 am and around 3 am-ish. They were awake and ready to go by around 5:20 am, requesting movies, yelling for me to bring them breakfast and / or fighting and wanting me to break it all up. Wait.... or was that 4:20 am? Can't remember; all my days and nights are beginning to blend together. Within all this craziness (and, if I ignore them, btw, they begin to yell - scream even - top of their lungs, wide awake, in the middle of the night - 5 and 6 years old! WTF?), my 3 year old wakes and calls out in her sleep, sometimes cries and cries for nearly 15 min, wailing, slapping at me, half-asleep, and I have to soothe her or risk the entire house waking or even just her waking fully, which would leave me with a cranky little one in the am, and one who wants to nap for 4 hours midday at that (and then, of course, would not go to bed until midnight). I am, apparently, the only one who hears all this (and, again, last night, I counted - I was up doing something for someone 9X!!!), so... I do not sleep - or I might get a full hour here and there only to stay awake tense and stressed for another hour or more, waiting for the next summons up the stairs. Usually, as soon as I fall asleep, I am awakened almost right away.

When 6:15 am comes, and it is time to wake the teen, who actually woke me at 11 pm last night (I was so tired, I was actually nauseous and had to lay down around 9pm, leaving a sinkfull of dishes that are still there as I speak - or type, rather - as is the giant load of laundry that I put in yesterday evening and the basket I was in the process of folding - good times ;-) to say that she was finally going to bed after her piles of homework, I am, once again, the only one ready to move the day forward (those teens ;-), a heavy burden when one is sleep-deprived and not feeling well. So ... although the teen did sleep soundly through the night, she is, apparently, not lucid enough to tell me what she wants for breakfast, and so I stand at the door, having all my food suggestions shot down as my boys yell (read: scream) for me from the third floor. Frustrated, I decide to move on to something else - locating her lunch money. Hubby said he had some for her last night. Cannot find cash. He sleepily tells me from the warm bed that he does not have any - was going to give her some quarters (and, in his defense, he was ALSO up during the night dealing with wee ones and their demands). Quarters. A hot lunch plus extras is $5 or more and she is supposed to put like $10 in change in her already heavy back pack. Embarrassing, to say the least. So... I pull on my UGGs, bundle up in my puffy jacket and go 'round the corner to the cash machine. It is not even 6:30 am, and I still have lunches to make, ALL the beds to make, laundry to finish, the dishes to finish..... I could cry. In fact, I did. I also yelled.... at the teen - at hubby - at the boys - at the three year old.... And I swear. A lot. In the middle of the night as I change wet pull-ups and bring milk and water to ranting little ones AND in the morning as I pull everyone's sh** together while my "important" tasks go unfinished and sit with the promise of tormenting me into the late evening hours again. On top of all this, I have discovered that my poltergeist (does anyone else have a stealth 3 year old out there?) has dismantled a couple of family games and has lost a scratchy distorted Barney tape that I remember my oldest listening to with my beloved late father. No one could have stopped my tears mid-morning today.

So ... I guess I could ask for suggestions, but... I suspect the return to our pre-holiday routine will restore order in a few days. I also know that I need to enlist help from my able-bodied support system in the way of dishes, etc (and hubby does help - as does "the teen", so.... just need to get more organized, I suppose). And, it is important to note here that I did, somehow, manage to organize my bedroom and fill a large number of Good Will bags yesterday AND make a taco / quesadilla dinner while talking to a friend in need who has recently moved to California and is struggling a bit - DESPITE all this chaos. Sigh. Sigh - sigh - sigh.

Thanks for the vent. Anyone have any other crazy stories that will force me to count my blessings and / or refocus my narcissistic view of the world right now? Anyway.... take care. I really do need a break :-).

Recovered...

.... and forgiven. Me and my boys are onto the next project. And... I am desperately trying to remember to accept that ebb and flow of everyday life. I mean, this morning, just turned three year old, Lil, was in our bed, having crawled in at 2 am, and she woke me by kicking me in the face and thrashing - clearly in the throes of a tantrum - and one that she wasn't sure she even wanted or needed. Hubby calmed her while I went to wake teen Olivia, early (she and pals are planning a birthday surprise for a friend and need an early ride to school), told her I would be bringing clean uniforms and breakfast up in 5 min. and she informed me that I should hurry because we had to leave in 15 min. Could we all please get moving. Excuse me?

So ... my boys awoke... and, obviously, did not dwell on our scuffles yesterday (like I did ;-). We are onto play with plastic horses and orange juice pops from the Zoku quick pop maker (and I love this puppy - have said so in previous posts - in fact, it may have been a gift last year at Christmas from friends... regardless, it is super cool. I like it because you can leave it in the refrigerator and when you want pops, just pour in juice, wait a couple min and enjoy. No waiting for hours while they freeze in the freezer -this thing does it instantly :-).

Anyway - dreamed of my Dad last night. A real puzzling dream. He was with my Mom and not paying much attention to me. This is on the heels of a discussion I had with hubby after a late night dinner at Paris 66 the other night, and a quick conversation in French with a couple employees there. I remarked that my French was now terrible, and, for some reason, I remembered helping my Mom buy a beautiful set of Limoges dishes in Limoges, France years ago. The saleswoman was shocked that she wanted the whole set, and she was curious about what these "rich" Americans were doing in Europe, living and working, etc. (and, btw, I used to edit what I said about my spoiled existence, but.., I don't anymore - my life is what it is what it is, ya know?). I talked to her for a long time - in French - with no problems, and... it was the first time I had done that - without stammering, searching for words, etc. I felt quite bilingual - pleased with myself :-). I love those dishes too - often request them on holidays. They are quite dramatic - purple and gold on the edges - real bone china - beautiful. I would love my kids to enjoy them on holidays for years to come - my grandchildren, etc. Hubby said I should tell my Mom that, and.... maybe I will.... but.... there is a lot going on there... a lot.... Anyway.... ebb and flow ..... rising above... ;-).

So .. funny photos: My boys and the juice pop maker! Wheee..... Hey - it's something to do inside on a cold, snowy day, right?

Off in a bit to proofread a final copy of the book I worked on AND to attend a holiday lunch. I haven't been invited to one of those in years! Kinda looking forward to it....:-). See... recovered! Entirely. Though.... I do think I should get to a'grindin' those coffee beans. What d'ya think? Offset the cranky that plagues me these days? ;-)

2nd day of snow delays, and I am DONE.....

What a horrible morning. Terrible night too. Olivia went to bed past midnight (concert). Lilliana fussed and cried and woke me at 1:00 am and 2:00 am. Boys woke at 3:15 am, wanting to talk, drink milk, eat cookies and watch a movie. Enzo woke again at 4:30 am, having a nightmare. Lilliana woke at 6:00 am, having wet her bed. Boys descend stairs at 7:40 am, wondering if school is cancelled. No - two hour delay. We knew last night. The morning is planned - wake teen at 8:20 am - do breakfast, clothes and bus. Dress and feed kindergartner immediately following (while making his lunch, packing his back pack, etc.), send out door with Daddy. Hopefully, two little ones will steer clear and watch Noggin on 3rd floor. Sit with coffee and finish editing on one document. Order just one more Christmas present online. No such luck. On any of it.

The boys went nuts immediately when they got up - running about - jumping on furniture - literally screaming and laughing so loud, I could not hear my own voice over theirs. Teen wakes, cranky, telling me that no one is returning texts - her friends must be skipping school (with parental permission). I tell her she is going. She asks what there is to eat for breakfast. Waffles, french toast, whole wheat toast, eggs, cereal, fruit. "Yech. :-( I want non-breakfast food." OK - deli turkey, salami and cheese, challah bread, hummus and pita, leftover pasta and pizza, salad. "Nah. Do we have any treats?" Um... chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, fudge, fruitcake, chocolate pretzels, holiday bread, chips, candy canes. What do you want?!?! We settle, begrudgingly, on the Whole Foods version of "cocoa puffs". She eats the whole damn bowl. She is still not dressed. The bus arrives in 15 min. So... you can guess what comes next... "Who is driving me to school?" Daddy. "What?!?!?!" (insert exaggerated teen eye roll here) "But I'll be late. I'll get a demerit. Why can't we leave now?" Um... you're not dressed - Enzo hasn't eaten - I'm still making his lunch - He is in his underwear for some reason - Until 5 min ago, you were still begging not to go to school. Do you want me to stop?

Yelling, yelling, yelling. High drama, high drama, high drama. Everything from "I'll be in trouble." to "Nooooooo... don't write a note. That will look soooooo suspicious." OK, then - we're screwed. Or... more to the point... YOU are screwed. Oh well. At the same time, hubby is telling me that this is all my fault because I don't make her do her chores (for the record, I DO make her do chores - just not in front of him on Sunday, while he watches football and tries to get everyone to fetch him food and drink). Also at the same time, the three other wild ones have broken out the Play-doh (which still lies drying on the floor in my front hall - and... I don't really care) AND brought down some very loud Transformer toys AND a couple of dolls, complete with a portion of their respective doll wardrobes - now strewn all over the tv room. During this, as I make lunches, dress kids, wipe slippery snow from the floor, locate everyone's coats, dodge running and screaming kids, hubby is furiously emailing at his laptop, parked at the dining room room table, drinking coffee, smiling at notes from his friends and notifications from his webby, Addy and other area "creative" awards (I am getting irritated, obviously ;-), AND I am obviously reading over his shoulder). ALSO AT THE SAME TIME (yeah - I'm not done), I have client emails coming into my own computer - new edits - a new project - a list of questions - all good, but... all work, right? Anyway.....

So I get everyone out the door with lunches or lunch money, requisite forms and teacher gift contributions (which I happily send in every year - God bless'em), coats, boots, school shoes, snacks, mittens, etc. I am left with a kitchen in total disarray (WHO put juice glasses, egg plates and dirty napkins on the counter - lined up like I am the busboy at a diner???) - halfway emptied dishwasher - lettuce, peanut butter, bread, etc. strewn about the counter (WHO spilled coffee ON the loaf of bread? Gimme a break). Two little ones dressed as Luigi and Princess Peach who are eating gogurt and jumping from couch to chair to stool to couch while I try to make a lunchtime deadline on a 24+ page document. Good times. No wonder I have had muscle aches, headaches and an upset stomach for days.

Done. Ranting. With snow delays.

And ... the pace picks up.....

I mean, there are days I still stand, mouth open, stunned to immobilization - that this is the PACE of my life. Again, this is the hardest year (I looooong for the days of sleepless infant nights and toddlers who nap - cuz I have one just beyond the toddler stage, but she is not a napper - piece of cake compared to this) BY FAR in my "parent of four children" saga.

Granted, things are easier in that I have modified my diet to create energy when I need it - a delicate balance of carbs and protein (and coffee - and Prilosec - thank God for that, truly - without it, I would have an ulcer for sure) - I have figured out how to get the house semi-clean and / or get loads of laundry at least started, folded or moved from one place to another by beginning such tasks before 6 am (and my kids are now in love with the early PBS shows, so... that works for me) - I do make it to the gym but I usually don't have time to shower and cut workouts short so that I can make it to the grocery store or other vital errands - I take editing / writing clients again but I work late at night or move deadlines (and take such projects that allow for that ;-). It is CRAZY!!!!

Today is one of those days. Dinner was late (hubby working late to accommodate for vacation days later this week) - and the kids did not want to put down their drawings, so we ate pasta among crayons and markers and half-completed kindergarten homework. Olivia colored Lilliana's face so that she resembled a pink cat (Lil modified it later - see photo). Luckily, they requested pasta again, so I could fill their bellies easily - though.... Enzo wanted my homemade meat sauce, and Milo wanted freshly ground cheese (remember the pile earlier this week), so worked on all that while moving around the Thanksgiving stuff I bought today (100+ year old houses do not have big kitchens, as many of you know). The noise (and I was trying to contact a client regarding an important question) - the splattered sauce (and, yeah - I got up early to clean) - the singing (which is kinda cool) - the just plain nuttiness (alternately maddening and cool - but one is old enough for homework but not for entirely dressing or undressing himself - one is still getting the hang of the potty and won't eat anything until it is bedtime - one still messes her Princess pull-ups and needs sippy cups and bubble baths and jammies with feet in them - and one is doing Geometry, buying expensive dresses for school dances and signing up for MORE sports with carpools involved, so... I'm stretched a little thin).....

Anyway - photos of said nuttiness with one proud look at my 4 year old's art talent. Check out that detail!

Screaming, stomping kids in shower beckon (plus a teen whose flash drive is no longer working and who spends all sorts of prime time talking on her mobile instead of re-creating the Comm Skills presentation that she finished then accidentally deleted this afternoon - and I saw it almost done.... ouch) - whole house smells like Tea Tree Oil (damn lice still terrorizing our school - gotta keep them away -and it's Turkey Games at school tomorrow, so close quarters for all). Stories of how another K student punched Enzo (bloody nose) - Daddy going nuts on kids who talk over one another (I'm sure there will be tears as a result - even our tough boys have feelings - oh boy - do they have feelings....).... Uh oh - more kids on the bed (can hear the ceiling ready to come crashing down).... I'm dizzy, have dry mouth (hoarse from trying to talk - yell - whatever - over them), heart pounding (I can't tell you how many times today, I was cut off as I turned or walked or rounded a corner and almost fell or slammed into a wall - they move so fast!!!), and.... this is supposed to be my release.... May need something a little stronger....;-).

Can't even begin to describe the yin and yang of this day.....

Started off last night with our teen (I will begin to refer to her that way on occasion - much more descriptive in one word than her name, Olivia) gleefully texting us from a McDonalds stop on the way home from the field hockey game that she had not been taken out very much - a high compliment in our lacrosse and basketball days, but.... now that it appears that physical pressure is hers as an emerging player, once she got home she was all (get those fingers ready to wag) -"uh, mommy (and I wish I could I could phonetically show the full length, emphasis and exaggeration on that word :-) - that is sooooo not a good thing - I'm like so tired". Hubby and I exchanged knowing nods and tiny smiles (God forbid she would detect one on our lips) because we know it was a good thing - dehydration goosebumps and all :-).

This morning, school drop-off went well - Olivia got on her bus in a clean uniform with her homework done and breakfast in her stomach (quite a feat to hit all three sometimes) - the boys went off happily wearing back packs, carrying lunches and ready to be snack helper and / or bring in show n tell later in the week (Milo even got his school picture taken today without the fit he had last year). Lil went to morning out - wearing a jaunty new stripey, flowered, colorful (very Lil) poncho and carrying a Tinkerbell bag (basking in the glow of her fun hide and seek game with our neighbor last night - Lil had this big kindergarten girl all to herself for a while :-) while the boys were at soccer - making "ant houses" out of dirt, picking flowers, running around in the chilly evening air). I snuck in a workout and grabbed an iced coffee - scheduled a call with a freelance acquaintance of mine, which turned into an offer for a position as full-time writing and editing consultant for the new publishing arm of her company, so... to celebrate, I spent some of my long overdue birthday money in Anthropologie (though I AM boring - after perusing cute skirts and funky blouses, I bought my requisite faded, worn long-sleeved crew - yoga-ish pants and funky, sparkly earrings - staples for me - AND looked long and hard at some cool duvet covers - one a mosaic of print and script writing - interesting.....). When I spoke to hubby, his fried computer of the day before (email acting up) turned into a brand new laptop - he was making adjustments at the Apple Store - had also just enjoyed some coffee kid and worry-free in Shadyside. When I picked Lil up from her program, she was sitting in a sunny side yard with one of the teachers and a couple kids, playing with toys and enjoying this beautiful day. Milo was also happy and excited when I picked him up - retrieved his own back pack and everything - ran outside, cheerful, shouting hello to a couple of new friends (Milo has friends who aren't put off by his "loud-talking" - I am thrilled - and he even took direction at soccer practice last night... oh the joy).

I dragged the wee ones to Whole Foods, which, as you know, does NOT always go well for us. This time, however, we did well - aside from one flipped over and spilled container of cinnamon buns, which was met with a cheerful - "Don't be sorry - if this is the worst thing that happens to us today, we're good" (aren't they nice there? - even Milo came back from his "lap of rage" to make amends). We got back home to meet Olivia on time - I got the pot roast and potatoes on in a timely manner - Lil spent time with big sis - Milo got his lone Wii time, and... Enzo got to go to after school with friends from last year. When I arrived at Enzo's after school program, he was playing Star Wars with one of his old best friends (now a first grader) so I took that opportunity to do some phone coordination on his upcoming birthday party at a movie theater. All good, right?

No. It appears his friend had homework so play time was cut short. We had a cheerful ride home, but, once there, my little ones played nicely together for about 15 min. After that, it was screaming, fighting, crying, shrieking, hitting, slapping - pure nasty, cranky, mean defiance. Only half of my little ones ate the big dinner I prepared - hubby called, told me he was surprised earlier by an old high school friend in town, but... he was in town because his father is in the hospital so they were both on their way to visit him there (heart surgery -recovering nicely :-) - Olivia's field hockey friend got sick so I am now on late night pick up duty (which is fine, actually - I owe all my carpool buddies BIG) - plus I got a call from Lil's new dance class saying I forgot to pay on Sat (I did - whoops) AND I got an email from school saying I missed a tuition payment (another whoops - I did - PLUS I neglected to fill out a necessary form, so.... had to alert hubby, who was already cranky, harried and not in the mood to discuss mistakes and / or tuition while a 2 year old and 4 year old screamed in the background). Oh .... and Milo forgot his jacket at school, which he is still fretting about - AND the email regarding Enzo's birthday party arrived without the attachment I need - I did not get my consulting paperwork - our mailbox looks like it's going to break - somehow I got grease on a favorite shirt - there is a lazy but aggressive wasp flying around my kitchen - the headache I've had off and on for two days is back - and did I REALLY miss the magazine fundraiser at Olivia's school? - Did I REALLY cause her to miss an entire dress down WEEK?!?!...... Yeah. Ebb and flow - yin and yang. And - wow - my computer screen just went black. I think I need to sign off before .... well - who knows (plus we have the brilliant, peaceful Ponyo on, which is calming / soothing and it is now time for some pre-bedtime hot chocolate - yum)?

Photo: I'm going to ask Milo to borrow that superhero cape tomorrow. I may need it.

Good news today, though, all in all - along with some of the up and down that makes life worth living, right? Wishing you all the same - happy, happy!

Teenagers.... ugh....

So - after cleaning my teen's room for her (sooo much homework, Mommy) - fighting with her on meeting these boys she's going to the homecoming dances with before they go (we kinda / sorta know one - the family of the other) - dealing with her snarky / turn her nose up at ALL my dinners, lunches, etc. (the other day, she opened the refrigerator and told me that the herbs in the freezer "like, totally needed to be thrown away" - at which time, I firmly - like really firmly - let her know that, despite her dislike of all my food, I do cook daily with fresh herbs and have used and replaced the thyme numerous times, the dill was new, the basil was freshly picked and just frozen - same with the rosemary... blah blah blah - it was all FRESH - and that just because SHE didn't notice what I do and how I do it doesn't mean that I am a total slacker, bad housekeeper, give no attention to my kitchen type person - Sorry - waaaay digressing, but I know she is around families with children who are all older, and, therefore, self-sufficient and able to make their own mac and cheese, clean their rooms, etc. I have little ones and must seem harried and behind in everything all the time to her - pathetic as I schlump around in my sweats and flip flops, changing pull-ups, organizing kids clothes, giving baths to muddy preschoolers, slapping together tunafish sandwiches when I haven't had time to make dinner, ignoring my own haircuts, dentist appointments, etc. to make it all happen for them - her included. Oh well. BUT - I do feel bad when I snap like that.).

Anyway.... after having her ignore all our hiking, fishing and biking outings with family and having to hear about those her friends do participate in with their families or she participates in with their families - after taking special care to wash her uniform components to the point of hand washing, using delicate cycle and special detergent, staying up late to make sure I retrieve them in time to lay them flat all night, I have to hear that there is nothing to eat in the house (I keep a steady supply of her very specific food likes - deli meat and cheese, the buns she likes, frozen pizzas, her fave mac and cheese, salad dressing she likes, bell peppers or carrots that she does like and should eat more of, chocolate ice cream, fresh baked cookies, sesame sticks, hummus and pita, fitness bars and bottled water) and that she'll TRY to find something to eat (ignoring my pot roast, roast chicken, lasagne, etc.) - I also have to hear that I lost her uniform shirt and that she thinks it it like totally gross that she would have to wear the same one again tomorrow because the other is like totally gone (I found it in the laundry basket with the whites I did the other day and lugged up the stairs last night after everyone was in bed - having rotated another load out late evening) - and I have to get chastised and talked down to for suggesting a dress buying outing for homecoming later in the week because like they'll be totally gone by then and I wanted to go with my friend (who then ended up not going on Sat so my snarky teen lost interest - God forbid she should go with me alone - after all, I was the loser that no one EVER asked to a dance - I didn't even know that the corsage, guy's outfit, etc. had to be coordinated - embarrassing and sad but true - no one ever asked me to a dance aside from back in 7th grade when I wasn't allowed to go and little did I know that would be the first and last time - I have never worn a formal gown in my life - I have never been given a corsage or flowers for special event - again, in my life. Hang head in shame, fight those 20+ year old tears that have NEVER fallen for any of these injustices and never will, and... move on - though.... I would have loved it if my Mom wanted to shop with me - and she did sometimes, but... as a daughter, I was a disappointment despite trying so hard to be otherwise). Anyway .... I love my wee little kids - I love my teen - I love my hubby. I know they all return the sentiment, but... sometimes..... I feel like I'm letting them all down (though hubby - equally as tired these days and working like a dog lately himself) - running out of pizzas for quick pre-game dinners - folding but not getting to put away the laundry on a given day or even two - leaving some of the outside toys out when it rains, letting them get dirty or leaf-covered - NOT being able to make it to Target, the grocery store, the shoe store and Steak n Shake in less than an hour - daring to mention that I want to watch one show on TV a week without being interrupted. How dare I schedule flu shots for everyone - how dare I get tired - how dare I even suggest that the sneakers I just bought two months ago are fine for another sports season?!?! In my reasonable mind, I know that I am doing my best - in that part of my brain that suspects that I might be a sub-standard housekeeper, cook, chauffeur and all-around Mom, I let it get to me.

Tonight, I will wait for hubby to get home at 5 (way early for him) - I will have the boys dressed for soccer practice (and hubby will gladly take them there) - I will have everyone fed - I will have all bath components laid out for later when I might not be here later in the evening - I will have Lil suited up and ready to go (jacket, sippy cup, extra pull-ups, etc.) - I will have all school stuff ready for tomorrow for EVERYBODY (photo order forms, uniforms, back packs, etc.) - and I will drive nearly an hour to watch Olivia play field hockey (having sent money for lunch and dinner since she would be boarding the team bus again - carefully washed and folded everything she needed for today - had hubby drive her to the bus stop with school project in hand....), and I will bring her home early if she wants me to so that she can work done - or I will stay and watch her varsity team mates if that's what she wants me to do (and a quick thank you to those who help me get all this done - carpooling or whatever). I am proud of her - I want her to be happy and successful. And .... I am doing my "job" - I am mostly enjoying it - and, like many of you, I am also fighting the lack of confidence and / or the functioning in the vacuum that - A. prompted me to start this blog a few years ago, and B. allows me to vent and get advice from my peeps (you guys). Rock on, Moms - we do what we do well. Think on that today (and ignore my rantings OR use them to gain your own perspective.... ALL GOOD, right?).

So .... like I said - apologies for the doom and gloom. To redeem myself, here is a link on how vaccines do not appear to lead to autism (increasing evidence as such has been mounting lately, as you know). Encouraging news. Little ones fighting - I just heard a crash - have been summoned for more food and drink despite just fetching the same 15 min ago - I am not dressed..... Gotta go.

Photo: Me - in Olivia's room (hey - I'm like totally in your room. Nah na na na NAH NAH).

Boots, boots and more boots....

HERE!

I mean... show me a link that says "utilitarian boots for all", and I am THERE (please note harsh motorcycle boots in pristine family photo - shown here). Big, buckle-y, thick, lace up, dramatic BOOTS!!! Gotta love 'em....

Now.... for today's pat on the back (and you know me - I am not at all close to being sweet and sunshine-y.... so there will be a public self-flogging as well) .....

Five reasons I am awesome (and this encompasses some of you as well):

1. With all the muddy clothes changes the boys go through (the clubhouse is great but sits in an area that is pure loose dirt and mulch) - paint, peanut butter and Plah-doh on toddler shirts emergencies - athletic shin guards, field hockey shirts and shorts that get sweaty daily - all of hubby's work shirts and pants - my own workout clothes, work in the dirt clothes and splatter myself with dinner in the works clothes - all the accidents in underwear, spilled milk on sheets, dumped buttered popcorn on blankets, etc., I do at least two loads of laundry a day - and I do it efficiently - and that means folding, putting away, pressing if necessary.

2. I make dinner almost every night (and on those nights that I don't, I do provide pizza, sandwiches, soup or another option for hungry family members - six total). I make nutritious, filling, wholesome food - veggies, lean protein, yummy sides - even dessert. I do all the hand-washing (pots, etc. - while hubby works - Olivia does her honors reading or attends sports practice - if they're not here, you can't ask for or force help), and I load and unload the dishwasher (with the summer breakfast, lunch and snack dishes, this can often be twice a day).

3. I occupy my kids 80% of the time with outside play, the pool (and guilt here because I have been promising poor Milo a pool outing, but... grew tired of it / freaked out by it weeks ago when he started with the diving board - a middle schooler who ignores me - a preschooler going off the board - a kindergartner attempting to swim in the middle of the pool and a feisty two year old in the baby pool leaves me spread way too thin by myself - now that I feel that I should attempt it - the cloudy, rainy weather is not cooperating), art projects, movies, baking projects, dollhouse play, the water table, riding toys, etc. The rest of the time, I have to allow Wii (at which time, they jump in one place so much in the TV room, they are wearing out the carpet - unbelievably so) or endless lone Barbie play on the deck (feeling bad about endless "Mommy - will you play with me?" requests) while I TRY to get stuff done.

4. I get all school forms and fees in on time - I get all uniforms together - all carpools settled - and more - DESPITE constant complaints from a snarky middle schooler - make that high schooler - that I am behind (What about my Spanish class? Did you buy my book? So and so says that we need to do blah blah blah, and YOU didn't - I did not get her shin guards clean - one of the glasses from the dishwasher is still dirty - she doesn't like what I've cooked for dinner again - NOT good for the old self-esteem :-).

5. I manage to pull myself together somewhat. And... at one time, I did not. I went out in the sweat pants I slept in - I never got my hair cut - I didn't even have time to buy over the counter acne medication for my horrific post-pregnancy breakouts. I was fat - I had dark circles under my eyes, and... as a result, I was afraid to attempt new friendships or engage in activities I once liked. All that is a'changin' ;-)!

And... the flogging? Well.... let's just say that today - amid errands to pick up photos for Olivia - amid constant calls from home and requests for a Chick Fil-A lunch - amid well-intentioned shopping trips for cards to send to our snarky sibs and kids for back to school - WITHOUT coffee or food in my system - coming off a sleepless night because my preschooler and my toddler were up and down into the wee hours - attempting to call in an order for cupcakes to give to a friend for a b-day and another for a new baby, I lost my bank card - frantically called to cancel it - then.... found it on the floor of the van (after learning that PNC Bank now charges $7.50 for each new card - screw them).

Yesterday, I bought the boys new Crocs - only to find that one pair was two different sizes - so, since they were already excited about them and wanted to wear them, I had to run out for the exchange... only Lil wouldn't leave my side, so.... I took her - while there, Olivia's straightening iron died so I was summoned to get a new one (forgetting, in the chaos, my own blow dryer, which died a while ago - so much for styling my new haircut) - AND... I still had to grab items for dinner - still had to run to the post office - still had to wash the inside of the van.....

NO WONDER I keep forgetting things. The flogging part? I need to either slow down OR get it together!!! I am, once again, fried. Kudos to those of you who are able to multitask and / or delegate and / or gain support from others and / or blow it all off :-). Also - I need to stop swearing under my breath - stop yelling - wait - make that screaming - I need to stick to my plans to force the kids to play outside - to make them sit at lunch and respect one another's space instead of retreating to my own room to count to 10 again and again before I either start to cry or threaten heinous punishments. In my defense, I write this on the heels of being hit with a Wii remote when I did turn it off (my wrist still stings and that child is still in timeout) - one kid has been crying ALL morning for no reason - every little thing sets him off and the tattling and loss of temper is REALLY starting to get to me - my high schooler (as of tomorrow) is no help, feeling the need to prepare her books and finish her honors reading - hubby has just informed me that he will be traveling next week for a couple of days - I have yet to take Milo for his follow up blood test - I have missed working out for days now - I may have to take all little ones to preschool open house this week - I still need to buy school shoes and gym shoes for kindergarten - my coffeemaker is still broken - we have some sort of woodland creature living in our basement...... Oi.

Bright side? Walked to a lemonade stand yesterday - kids used own change - got along - played with neighbors - I talked to people I hadn't seen in a while. Went to Paris 66 the other day for lunch with hubby - yummy (service somewhat better). Took the brood to Mineo's the other night after parent meeting for field hockey - marginally successful - also yummy.

I have no words - only .... find your own zen today :-). I need sleep..... Oh - and Top Chef :-).

Weary ....

And ... I'm not sure why. BUT - everything - literally EVERYTHING makes me tired, sore or creates such a brain fry, I can't even think straight lately. Is it the constant - "Mommy - why can't we stay downstairs with you?" - "Can I have juice - no, vanilla milk - no, lemonade - no water - wait, what is there to drink?" - "Hey - where's my sandwich and pizza (yeah - Enzo the eater often has two lunches)?" "Can we knock on the neighbor's door?" "Can we get (insert name of toy) for Christmas?" - "Is tomorrow another no school day?" - Or - the latest - as of 5 min ago ..."Mommy, Orangey (pet goldfish - or as Lillliana says, "Rangey") is stuck in the filter; is he dead?" Probably, right? What do I say, though??? "Wait until Daddy gets home; he'll coax him out." Sigh.

MAYBE - just maybe - it is also the fact that I was just shown a blog that this professional writer uses as part of her bio, and... it is .... well.... insincere. I think I was really struck by that because she is... um .... for lack of a much better word - a "mom blogger" - like me, I suppose. I mean, if I were grading her for sincerity, I would all kinds of mark it up. She cites some good publications as clients or some of her regular byline haunts, but....hmmm.... I am so wondering about her motivation.... though I do know that she does have an assignment that seems pretty visible - at least this week (sneaky colleagues - thank you). And.... I'm amazed - just AMAZED that some of you guys - my friends and / or fellow bloggers do NOT have a bunch of professional bylines behind you because... you're all awesome - really - jealousy-inspiring writers - DUE TO the fact that we are honest and confessional and attempt to be supportive of one another, and... though some of us are interested in writing features .... as supermom or otherwise - you know, helpful, timely articles ..... it does not appear that we have as much logged in on our pro resume as this chick (some of you do - and congrats for that - you are my inspiration - seriously). Plus - she has what she calls a "crunchy / green" area that is the premise of her blog, and.... it is 6 months - yes - 6 MONTHS!!!! behind. I'm not interested in evaluating anybody - in fact, I love the fact that we can all love one another and appreciate one another - grammatical errors, differing opinions, cheesey family photos, stolen recipes and all. I just find it odd that her "community of moms" is being leveraged for her byline resume - her lengthy, 5 paragraph (yeah - I know..... I KNOW - I am far longer-winded ;-), highly structured, "I've written this for a magazine editor" posts are not sincere at all - seem more "I am a member of the mainstream media" than "I am your objective, direct, honest blogger." I would direct you there, and I'm SURE you would agree, but... that is not how I roll.... can't do that.... I'm not here to "out" anybody, but I am here to tell you guys... well... how I feel.... and I fully expect you to reprimand me OR offer an opinion or explanation OR just nod and write me something silly :-).

OK - so - you're right - that can't be it. An insincere, highly suspect mom blog can't be so detrimental to my health and well-being that it causes my old gymnastics tendonitis injury to act up - or my lower back pain to persist - or my lack of caffeine headache to get worse..... ALL THAT is me worrying about school starting - about missing my kids - about not doing enough this summer - about my future as a writer, entrepreneur, wife and mother, sister.... whatever. I have high expectations for myself. I want a family that comes home to my warm, loving house on holidays and eats turkey and sits around the fire and goes skiing together - I want a business that will give me a creative outlet but allow me to be the best mom I can be to my kids - I want my sloppy joes and chicken soup and brownies to be appreciated now while I am focusing on the home and my family - I don't want my head to be turned by people who are shamelessly promoting themselves under false pretenses. I, like you, want to be happy.

So .... maybe all this input sometimes overwhelms me - makes me think I'm on the wrong track - trusting the wrong people - ignoring my intuitions...... BUT I think I'm OK - I think I'm right where I need to be. I am not all sunshine and roses, but I am all kinds of happy about my current role - my decisions to date..... ALL good. I just need to chat now and then, ya know? You guys ever feel the same way?

If you can't say something nice...

... post a photo, AND.... attempt to be helpful by posting a couple of tips.

Yesterday, took Lil to lunch in Shadyside at the Walnut Grill while boys were at a gymnastics party and Olivia was at Longue Vue Country Club with friends (and speaking of country clubs and helpful tips, did you know that Churchill Country Club is offering, in addition to other dining and limited memberships, a GOLF membership? So.... any golfers - and I know my family is full of them - who want to save some money can check it out! :-). She was good - did not run from us or have a tantrum once. She sat and chatted and ate salad, chicken and fries. She drank orange juice and colored on the paper table cloth like a champ. My tip? The Walnut Grill now has a market salad option which allows you to make / customize your own salad. It was good. Nice option. Is it me or does the atmosphere always feel a little tense in there (and only OK food - come on)? Anyway, lunch was good - it was cool - close to where we needed to get our boys, etc.

American Vietnam Veterans picking up some furniture from us today (AMVETS and other organizations seemed to have their neighborhood trucks full for a couple of weeks, but... these guys were available). A lot of organizations no longer accept furniture or baby items, but they do, and...scheduling a pick-up is super easy. If you need to get rid of some stuff, check them out. I put out several IKEA beds and mattresses today with the pick-up slip that I printed myself taped to them. I have a pre-printed tax receipt. I'm set. Look into it.

Tired today - the humidity in the house keeps Lil and Milo up and restless all night - plus I had to get up super early, navigate rush hour traffic and drive to the other side of town to retrieve Olivia from a cousin sleepover. I rushed her to "mandatory" swim practice that others blew off (prepping for championships, which we are so proud she made again), but... she's conscientious, and I know she's glad she went. Had to hear more family craziness - had to put up with fighting little ones (who, in an odd twist, would have actually slept in today instead of getting up at 5:50 am on the dot - awesome). I'm done. Got the kiddies donuts - trying to grab coffee and sneak in a workout. Also trying to deal with a brand new broken curtain rod, a trail of broken toys, muddy footprints on a toilet seat and juice spilled all over the dining room table and floor. Good times.

Really - E, M & L are so stirred up today. Reluctant to play outside due to gray clouds, they are feisty, angry, grabby, argumentative. I mean, close to tears myself, I just yelled and sent them upstairs where they are now biding their time on the third floor stairs and, you guessed it, have begun fighting again. I'm not exaggerating - 30 seconds didn't go by this morning without tears, a complaint, a scream, an argument, a slap from one to the other. It's awful. I feel like a crazy person who has lost control. I always feel like they hate me and like I've ruined all their fun when I have to deal out semi-harsh punishments. I've tried to be positive this morning. I've tried to be gentle - offer things to do - read books - fix breakfast..... And... I know that some of us have discussed this at length before (you know who you are morning out and gymnastics pals - remember the one conversation that started... "oooo - I really yell - I mean really yell"? - and it wasn't me who started it, my beloved sisters in "end of the rope" frustration). In the throes of trying to provide food, cleanliness and warmth to our families of multiple little ones (three 5 and under in this house) with, in my case and others, a middle schooler / high schooler with specific needs thrown in AND a busy, hard to reach hubby (at times) AND my own maintenance like teeth brushing, dressing myself and eating now and then to sneak in, sometimes raising our voices to restore order becomes necessary (though, the guilt will linger and linger - THOUGH my last reminder yell, complete with "crazy eyes", really did get them playing peacefully together AND using time productively. Go figure.). So.... like the headline states.....

See ya. Hope you're all having better days than I am.

Oh yeah - photo: Me - looking pretty damn cheerful for the life I lead these days (snark, snark, snark). Actually, I was on my way out for the night. And.... you know I'm only half serious - was just telling y'all how lucky I am the other day.... Let's go revisit that post..... Oh wait - or here is me yesterday with some of my fave high schoolers and Lil ;-).... And... since we are glancing at photos, in a related note (and my last tip of the day), I am simultaneously testing acne and aging treatments for my skin. On the first leg of my anti-aging analysis, but... have gushed before about Neutrogena's "on the spot" acne treatment, and... still am. Cheap and effective; I love it! Will report back on other .... the "look and feel younger stuff". Can say now, however, that in informally "testing" toothpastes across the board regarding whitening, fighting tarter and strengthening the enamel (remember, I am anal about my teeth), I am having success with Colgate's sensitive / enamel strengthening item (I'm a teeth grinder at night - hmmmm. what gave me away? Can anyone say "high-strung"? ;-).

In closing... I have to ask... So do you yell? Do you? Does it help? Does anything else help? Can't believe I'm asking, but I am :-). And, for the record, to appease everyone, my first reaction was to cancel my workout - NOT cook the elaborate dinner I have planned... in lieu of stopping to play and / or find an activity to make them all "like" me again. BUT - isn't that a bad precedent to set? I mean, there are days for that BUT there are also days in which things need to get done or Mommy needs a bit of a break. Right? Please weigh-in :-).

You want a mediator? Here's your freakin' mediator....

So - last night, I was watching this comedian, Jim Jeffries. He is VILE - alternately horrible and hilarious (and I mean HORRIBLE). So.... while I'm laughing at some of his stuff and alternately standing open-mouthed, disgusted, ready to leave the room, I mentioned to hubby - "If I was with a group of people I like, I would NOT want him sitting next to me. If I was with people who I dislike or who consistently misbehave, however, I would want him RIGHT next to me." Hubby agreed. Laughed. My next thought was, "I think I'll invite him to Christmas Eve dinner." (Or New Year's, right? Happy f***in New Year's). Hubby had already thought the same - in fact, he was planning to announce to his family that all vacation plans, etc. would be handled through Jim - Any complaints? Talk to Jim. Jim drops the "f bomb" A LOT - he is Australian and, apparently, a bit misogynistic, arrogant, bigoted, an atheist, and a drinker to boot. Ahhh.... I can picture it now - anyone acts up, starts calling another family member names, begins to gossip, starts to verbally attack someone, sulk, snark, snarl - whatever - Jim would say, "You! Sit the f*** down and shut up!" (said with drunken slur, of course). And, really, a large percentage of the people involved would deserve this.

See... in our families, we've had to have a lawyer intervene on one side - a "life coach" on another (THAT did not work out well) and more. When there is trouble, we get phone calls regarding what to do, can we help, etc. When things are calm, we are ignored - completely. And all the "in fighting" - beating each other up even when we're not involved - tears - silent treatment - back-biting - not to mention all the "clean up" we have to do when they venture outside the immediate family.... It is not normal - it is constant - and it is comprehensive and all-inclusive (i.e. not a normal one in sight), which.... is why we think Jim might be a good family counselor or estate executor as well. I mean, he would really blow our families' skirts up (they are all self-proclaimed "conservatives" - you know - good family people ;-). I actually feel sorry for most of them. I would not sic Jim on them. Wait... maybe Shane MacGowan. Are you all familiar with the Irish - Punkish band from the '80s and '90s, the Pogues? He's their lead singer. Upon introducing the band to one gentle friend, she uttered, "how horrible" in response to some of Shane's lyrics... To which hubby responded.... "Oh, he's horrible alright, but the Pogues are awesome." Shane is now in the running...I can hear him singing now... "You scumbags, you maggots, you cheap lousy....." (Fairytale of New York - Google it)...

And just to prove that I'm not entirely humorless and / or swear a lot ... Some happy thoughts: Took the whole family to the gym yesterday and it worked out really well - me, hubby, Olivia worked out while little ones went to the childcare area and played Wii :-). The painting in the foreground of the photo I've included was done by my hubby (so proud - though the mess behind it is all kids :-). Trader Joe's multigrain pancake mix is really good (tried it out this am). And... finally - the episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air (you watched it - you know you did - can't help it - I love Will Smith) in which Carlton (Alfonso Ribeiro) dances to the Tom Jones song - It's Not Unusual - is still really funny. My Olivia and pals have been circulating "the Carlton Dance" all week on Facebook (You Tube it).

US out of the World Cup, though they did give Ghana a good run yesterday. England currently playing Germany (and with Italy and the US out - England is my next love).

See ya!

This is what REALLY bothers me!!!:

So I left the doctor's office yesterday feeling horrible. I now realize it wasn't JUST the fact that I was reprimanded for not getting my cholesterol checked in two years (though it was only 162 or so when I did get it checked and has always been around that number) - it wasn't that I was curtly told that my weight loss was not sufficient and that I was still overweight (not even a pat on the back for my new gym, personal trainer and low fat and low sugar diet - not even a nod to the fact that I was flawlessly on target, even above and beyond, with weight and fitness for years - the consecutive pregnancies broke my stride a bit - and, really - is 5'4" with an extra 20 pounds or so as horrible as you made it seem? I'm a size 8 currently.) - it wasn't that I was reminded again and again that, as an adopted person, I have no family history and so need to remain vigilant about breast health, etc. (I check my breasts daily and I ask many questions as I am a hypochodriac with OCD tendencies - I also brush my teeth 6X a day - tell me to do something and I do it - plus, I have always been adopted - you don't think I've had this conversation before with a doctor or nurse?) - it's not that I was freaked out by the stories my health care provider decided to share with me about her friends being diagnosed with cervical cancer after years of normal tests (I was about 4 months late with my check-up, having had to cancel a couple of times, but.... was made to feel that I had not seen a doctor in 10 years).... So, believe it or not, it wasn't what they did, really; it was what they DIDN'T do.

They did not inquire about my fitness routine as they normally do (and I had been told to implement one to lose the post-baby weight and get my spirits up after some post-partum crap - so I thought they would be, if not thrilled, at least wanting to follow up with me). They did not ask about my post-pregnancy anemia that I couldn't shake and that they were quite concerned with for a while (could not get my numbers up - speculation was that I may need to go back on Iron - though, now, it appears no one cares - am I supposed to put myself on a supplement?). They did not ask me if my post-nursing cycle had returned to normal (yes - it has - thanks for asking ;-). They did not follow up on some the leg pain I had been having, despite my pregnancies, birth control, etc. (probably an old athletic injury, but... when I mentioned it a year ago, they were all sorts of interested - now - who cares, right?). They did not ask me how it was going with the three little ones five and under, which they usually do (especially since I had some hormonal ups and downs after my last few babies and they had been watching me, again, just a year ago, to see if depression had set in - asked me to report back next check-up - only... this time, no one asked or cared). Over the past few years, I've had a series of UTIs (again, became a trend after the consecutive pregnancies), and... I mentioned this time feeling like I may have had one recently, though... no one checked me for that - no lab work in that area - did they forget? OR - again, just not care?

OK - so I don't want to be babied or handled with kid gloves. But... I am concerned that my specific needs as a patient are not being met. Yeah - I'm a forty-ish woman with small kids, which is maybe not the norm - maybe they are usually thirty-ish with small kids, but.... I am fit, healthy, a good patient in terms of staying up to date with my healthcare, etc. I do have specific needs - past history with anemia and other minor ailments - stopped nursing a year ago so my body is still returning to normal (my c-section incision just stopped being sensitive - AND, because of the FOUR c-sections I've had, I was asked last visit to report any changes, issues that did NOT return to normal - again, it appears no one cares so I didn't ask some questions I wanted to). I mean - sure - I have forty-ish needs and concerns now, but... I am also a busy mother of small children, still trying to lose her baby weight, still trying to deal with other lingering issues related to a post-pregnancy body (why do I still get the UTIs? do I need another iron supplement? are you still concerned about my sore leg? are you still wondering if my toddler has been keeping me up at night? how 'bout those nutritional concerns you had last time regarding mothers with small kids keeping themselves healthy?).

Anyway - all I got this time was - why don't you have another PCP? And... a bunch of snarky comments on how I should do this - should do that. When I asked about the patchy dark spots on my skin that have not cleared up since I was pregnant with Lil - instead of the - this is common - can take a few years to clear up - usually hormonal and common with olive-skinned people, I got - "I dunno. Maybe check with a dermatologist." When I attempted a follow up on something that had changed when I stopped nursing last year (again, something I had been told to watch), I was told it was probably more age-related as opposed to nursing-related (exactly the opposite input from last year). IN FACT, when I did begin to go over my list of things to follow up on (remember, I am fastidious and wanted to be sure to give them the input they asked for last year - things to watch over the course of this year), I was cut short - told things like, "Well I wouldn't worry so much about your anemia; at your age, you need to get your blood pressure and your cholesterol checked" WTF? And, I apologize here - I don't like to swear given the fact that my daughter and her friends read me - some of my gentle readers do not like it (and those of you who do, call me - we can rip it up ;-) - in fact, I kinda feel like a little kid trying out swear words right now (poopy, butt, booger) - plus, I'm not REALLY swearing (but I digress)... Anyway - so WTF? WTF? WTF? In 12 months, I go from busy young mother to forty-something woman who should be looking for an old age home for myself instead of preschools for my kids? Cholesterol? Mine is consistently UNDER 160 (to the same point, my hemoglobin was hovering around 9 last time you checked - so glad YOU are not concerned). Blood pressure? Mine is usually around 100 / 60 or even lower (though, with all the cervical cancer as the silent killer talk, it did creep up to normal during the course of the visit - and I could feel my mouth getting dry - my heart beating faster - in fact, I needed to pace and cry a bit when I left the office - I felt like I needed to go make out my will - make sure my kids were Ok when I was gone, which would be soon). WTF?!!!

I ended up leaving with a mammogram script and a reprimand for not having another PCP (at my age). I was also about 90% sure that, given the fact that I was 4 mo. late for my annual check-up that I had advanced cervical cancer (I was told a number of times during the exam that it has no symptoms and is very common). When I asked if I could get a script for blood work (if they were THAT concerned about cholesterol - and I was worried about the hemoglobin), they ignored me. I did not ask ANY of the questions I had. I did not recognize anyone in the office. I did not get the opportunity to follow up on any of the issues I was told to last time, making me feel a little panicky. I went from harried mom of four who needed input on weight, nutrition and offsetting depression born of hormonal fluctuations that I was told were due to my body readjusting from pregnancy and nursing and lack of sleep due to life with little ones, and I left thinking I needed to call another PCP to get some geriatric testing done. This visit did nothing to help me with my current health concerns. I need to find a new place..... bummer. Advice?

Blah.....

Had a doctor's appointment this morning. Long gone are the days of feeling reassured and coddled during pregnancy and any post visits. Now, it is all lab work, high weight, mammogram chat and other nerve-wracking discussions and procedures (though there was some familiar discussion about my past pregnancy but it was post-nursing boobies and my c-section incision - good times). Add to that the fact that I just got one of our bills, and it looks like 3X higher than what it should be. Fun. I just got peed on. Trying to get out to a party tonight.... need to secure childcare and get a bunch of stuff done. Cranky kids. Cranky hubby. Cranky me. Far cry from last night when everything was roses and butterflies (we almost forgot to pick up our CSA basket, but.. when we did were very happy - got peas, which Lil and I sat and shelled and ate on the deck - brocolli, which I always misspell, btw - more - very happy). Ebb and flow... ebb and flow....

End of the day.

One kid in shower - two in the bathtub - one at sports boot camp. Everyone fed. I'm not showered (or fed). Preparing movie and popcorn now after a long day out in the sun. Pool, tennis, running around with friends, riding bikes. What a day. Play date tomorrow plus the swim team, tennis drill in the am. Plan to squeeze in a workout. All good. What IS for dinner tonight anyway? Hubby on his way home.....

Keep in mind, I write this amid chaos. As we left this morning, we only got a portion of the breakfast dishes done - the kids pajamas hang on the banister - discarded tennis rackets litter the foyer - Lilliana brings every single toy from her bedroom down the stairs and... well... wherever she put them, that's where they stayed - I kicked my own flip flops off under my desk earlier as I bolted out of the house - the video camera that I was looking at (my b-day gift) is dismantled on my desk (I had 5 min. to look at it this am) - in the midst of looking for Enzo's school tennis medal (he was asking - horrified, I realized I did NOT know where it was), I rummaged through all the "filed" school papers in the dining room, creating a horrible mess (not to mention the piles of new high school forms and kindergarten stuff for the fall already lying there)... Basically, where it all sat this morning, it still sits. When the kids get home from the pool or school or whatever - they bolt 9,000 mph out the door looking for friends, a bike to ride, a walk to take, a bug to examine, and... I am, of course, right behind them.... Nothing gets done, but... well... the bugs, the walk, etc.

Happy evening hours, all!

Throwing in the towel....

So - today - rejuvenated by the fact that "things" are going well this summer (having the kids in tennis and swimming lessons and semi-hanging out on their own a bit has done wonders for my interaction with others at the club - still have kids bucking for the "clinginess" championships, but... am doing a bit better - can chat a little - sit a bit - have not done either in years - so even being on the fringes of inclusion feels good), I packed a nutritious lunch (had forgotten that Enzo did not have tennis today, but... got all ready bright and early so hit Trader Joe's instead and had some fun one on one with my little E), got all the towels, bathing suits, sunblock, changes of clothes, water for hydrating, etc. ready - and packed up the car with me and ALL kids (Olivia included - and she NEVER wants to hang with me) and headed to Milo's swimming lesson at the club, planning and looking forward to staying all day. Then - things got odd.

My cell phone wasn't working and neither was Olivia's (love you, Verizon Wireless). Once that problem was solved, Lil wanted to join the swimming class again and cried when she was told she was too young. Enzo suddenly said he didn't feel good (even gagged a little) - refused food, refused to get in the water, wanted to go home (and I suspect it is, once again, because he doesn't want to use the restroom at the club and, therefore, created some stomach issues for himself - frustrating - happens every few days). Milo was ready to eat then hit the pool after his lesson but got cranky when he and Lilliana fought over the Coke that I reluctantly got to settle Enzo's stomach. Hubby called to tell me that he would not make it home early and would not be able to work out with me late day (too busy). Soon after, I discovered that, once again, members of our family planned a fun Florida trip without us and, further, were trying to keep it top secret. Awesome. Heartbreaking in that my kids were upset a bit about that news.

Anyway, headed out to the van, hot and frustrated, crying / fighting kids in tow. Did run into some people who said - "stay - we'll help", but I was embarassed and just wanted to leave. In hindsight, I should have stayed and taken them up on the offer. I wanted to have a day with Olivia, and I wanted to sit in the sun, chat with friends, watch my kids enjoy the pool like they did the other day (friends and water and sun - the stuff that memories are made of - really, should I have to convince my little ones of that fact? Lil seems to get it - why are my boys so fickle?).

I do have to learn to accept help - develop deeper friendships. It's not the way I was raised (in fact, such "craziness" was discouraged - my Mom preferred to choose what we did, who we hung out with, how close we got....), so... I will have to work on it. I vow to do so. If I would have opened up and accepted the help of friends today, I would have had a much better go of it.

So.... we got gas in the car, ran a quick errand and came home to air conditioning and movie. They are fine now - in fact, when they saw some friends walking in, wanted to go back. Too much. I should have stuck it out, ignored everyone else having fun, dealt with the whining and waited to see what would happen. But... with Enzo almost throwing up and ready to poop his pants - Milo fighting - and Lil insisting on the big pool by herself, it just got to be too much.

I'll admit it, too. I did get a little teary - watching everyone else's kids swim, throwing my carefully packed lunch out on the way home (out of anger and frustration - my mantra should be - "don't react" - "don't react" ...), dressing the kids in the hot, cramped car so they don't get their carseats soggy with their wet bathing suits (I just couldn't deal with locker room).

Alone again. Looks like a house cleaning, photo organizing, laundry folding kind of day :-(.

Oh - and one thing of value before I go.... I do have kids who like Spaghettios (sp? - and yuck), so.... got a message from Giant Eagle about a recall. Read here. And.... this. Are you kidding me? Spain's loss in the recent World cup game blamed on goalie's girlfriend!?!? Whatever.... US plays / played ???? today. Updates later....

Have a good weekend everyone! Olivia is trying field hockey tomorrow - it's my birthday - and.... Father's Day, so.... wish us luck ;-)!!!

Does ANYBODY listen?

OK - so.... long story semi-short - a few years ago, one of my retail credit cards was used by someone I did not know. It was used the same day I used it - not for an excessive amount (in fact, I did not get a call about strange activity because the cost was within my spending pattern) - and it was used in the same store within a short time of my own legitimate purchase. Now.... I usually do not use my credit cards - I pay cash or use my debit card, BUT... this was one of those "save 20% if you use it today" deals, so... I did it - spent more than I wanted to - intended to pay it off right away. I also always keep my credit limit low on these cards (not the big cards -but... these little retail cards), so... I got a letter from the company a few weeks later, saying I had exceeded my spending limit and was charged X amt. of fees. I panicked (because I'm always conscientious about these things), checked my statement, and... discovered charges and purchases that were not ours (the company's solution was to raise my credit limit - are you kidding me?). When the item numbers, etc. were eventually checked, these were items I would have never purchased - did not fit or suit anyone in our family. So..... the attorney general's office of PA gets involved - we talk to the retailer - fax proof again and again - seem to be close to resolving it, and... my account "disappears" along with the payments we had been making monthly (conservative payments to avoid being duped into paying the charges that were not ours - though, since we were making payments, we had no idea we would be sent to collections due to their mistake and lack of attention to detail - after all, I had never had a problem before). Suddenly, no one can help us (and all along, the theory was that someone in the store had used the card that day - as in an employee of this establishment - at one point, we were told that it had happened before there - around the same time period - so... to be responsible, I should say it was the Gap at the Waterfront here in Pitt - so beware). So ... after some inquiries, we are given another number to call. When we do, we discover that we have been handed off to some credit services area of this corporation. Upon further investigation by the attorney general's office, we find we have been reported to a credit agency and handed off to these awful people, commissioned to get the money from us any way they could - so began the series of strange, nasty phone calls in which the people would call me a "loser" and swear at me. The attorney general's office came up with a cease and desist letter for them, and the calls stopped, but.... our account disappeared entirely - for two years.

I got a call yesterday from an organization who said they received my "case" and would "give me a deal". This woman listened to my story, appeared to understand, knew I had to talk to my husband today (because, by the time we were run around for months, the account accrued so many fees and charges that I owed 4X what my initial bill would have been - TOTAL scam - in hindsight, I should have just paid it and closed the account) and seemed to understand, too, that I needed to consult my old file, etc. I told her I would call her late afternoon today after doing all this. So.... this morning - at 8 am - in the midst of swim team forms, finding out I will not have a car again today and that I am low on laundry detergent and groceries (early am, I asked hubby to work from home for an hour while I used his car - he complied but now tells me he was half asleep when he agreed to that - yeah, right), fighting little boys, crying two year old who was up all night coughing, toast so burned it was in danger of setting off the smoke alarm (and, in racing for it, somehow some plastic kids' dishes from high atop a shelf fell one by one and smacked me in the forehead - and, yes, it left a mark :-) and piles of dishes from the night before in my sink - she calls me and, this time, her tone is aggressive - she is talking over me - she is reminding me again and again that I told her I would get back to her, so..... I literally screamed at her - said mean things - told her I was sick of scams - and... hung up. Needless to say, she has not called back (and my boys looked at me, wide-eyed and asked, "WHO was THAT?"). I do want to resolve this. I don't think she deserved my wrath. But... I am sick of it - dishonest people, no customer service, awful treatment for victims of fraud - like it was our fault or that we should be liable for it. I mean - now I'm wondering if this woman yesterday really believed my ordeal - if the story she told me about her parents (that they had something similar happen to them at a hotel in Florida) is actually true or just a ploy to gain her trust.... Now - I will definitely be investigating her company's reputation before I do anything. Really - tone of voice, unprofessional harassing, etc. - really sets a bad precedent and becomes suspect behavior. Again, maybe I'm just feeling burned from past experience or maybe the pattern is beginning to repeat. Who knows...

Truthfully, I have such brain fry most days that it is hard to think straight, let alone drop everything on a dime to handle a situation out of the blue. Yesterday found me organizing my closet and armoire, gathering boxes of photos and packing bags for Good Will. In the middle of feeding my kids an early dinner and scooping ice cream for all the wee ones AND making sure Olivia had clean clothes, money and a ride for her evening plans, I got this call. I was literally elbow deep in ice cream - kid movie blaring in the background - Olivia up and down the basement stairs looking for the appropriate shirt, and... I still had piles of clothes all over my bedroom - had not eaten myself since early morning, and... well - give me a break, right? Respect me to do what I say I will do. Again - precendents set and trust ruined for many, I'm sure.

Anyway.... my wee Lil just came downstairs and told me about the rainbow she saw through the stained glass window on the stairs - my boys are happily playing in their room - Olivia has a ride home from swim team, so... I am calm now - relishing the hum of our morning routine. I feel bad, though. I don't like to yell. I think I just expect the same respect from others that I give them, and... well... half the time, that is not the case. Also, I'm tired and frustrated regarding this whole situation. Oh well. Remind me sometime to tell you the story of the arrest warrant taped to my door for a $10 parking ticket that I didn't know I had (the constable didn't have a copy and neither did Edgewood Borough - yet I was, apparently, a fugitive). Good times.

Photo: Reminder of the actual good times I experience daily - one of my Lil with her Mother's Day gift for me this year :-) - and another of her finding her zen with Barbies on a cool, spring morning on the deck.

How do people do it?

Keep it together, that is. Today, I made a doctor's appointment, and when the office noted that I had canceled a few prior ones and needed to know why, I started to cry a little. Why? Because I have no support - no childcare most days. Because my family is out of state, and... not overly interested anyway. Because hubby and I often feel very alone here even though his family is nearby (I am quite used to being the "outsider"). Because I don't have a reliable babysitter aside from my oldest who has school and other activities. Because I don't have time to sit and eat dinner, cut my fingernails or even blow dry my hair in the morning, let alone schedule anything outside the house. If I do get out, it is for that specific event - no more. Business meeting? I get the requisite hour or two. Hair appointment? I have been interrupted in the middle of many to cut it short. Volunteer lunch? I don't even get the hour that everyone else does.

I do love my life, and I know how fortunate I am to have my kids in a good school - to be at home with them - to live in such a good neighborhood with so many positive things surrounding me, but.... there are hard days. Many times, I want to stay and talk to other mothers after preschool, but my 4 year old won't allow it - tugging, crying, yelling. Other times, I want to have a girls night out, but... find that I haven't made any deep connections due to lack of time (not interest - I do want friends - I just have SUCH limited time - hubby works long hours - no family support without strings, etc.).

So... I will continue to deal with my days.... Yesterday, made chicken noodle soup and took walks with the kids - let them help me dig out clothes for Good Will. I had fun. I sent belated birthday greetings to former valued family members who I don't see as often anymore - I sent a sympathy card to a friend whose father has just died and didn't even know that mine had (I thought she had been told by other friends) - I sent a get well card to an aunt who I am worried about and who always has my back :-). I do what I can.

So.. though I am often tired of sitting alone at the baby pool or longing for a girl's lunch out.... I will keep at it - invite family to dinner - continue to reach out to other mothers and people at school, volunteering, trying to have deeper conversations rather than just passing smalltalk - I will look forward to my new gym membership - I will rejoice in the fact that I have my bedroom back, my sanctuary because the boys seem FINALLY happy with their new bed - I will continue to make more time with hubby whether it is dinner out or back rubs and reading side by side in bed - I will look forward to my Olivia's high school adventure and happily fill out the volunteer form from her school - I will indulge my kids' interests and look for common connections in those forums - I will love my family and count my blessings everyday. ALL GOOD.

Sometimes ... I just get frustrated. Don't we all :-)? And ... I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I mean, there is so much suffering in this world, and I have it SO GOOD. It's just that I do get down sometimes, and I want to kick myself. Yesterday, I was dealing with tuition budgeting and trying to organize and clean, and I let my mind wander to certain truths in my life that just baffle me - that I have a family member who deliberately leaves my name off thank you notes even though I'm the one who buys the gifts (this person has said before that she didn't like me before she met me)- another who calls me names and tells me I'm old or fat to my face (tells crazy stories about me, tells me I can't cook, tells me my kids, thankfully, do not look like me, etc.) - another who refuses all invitations to my house and gossips endlessly behind my back (despite being forced to apologize to me years ago for doing the same thing - totally unprovoked). Anyway.... this is the roller coaster that we call life, isn't it? I just wish people would remember to treat one another well - like everyday is worth celebrating and like every connection has importance. Ugh - I have no point today. Any advice?

Two things... and I will NOT let one ruin my day ...

Starting with something positive.... Thank you to my wonderful, sweet mail carrier who saw that my little Lil was coming home the other day with a skinned knee (my little drama queen cupcake spent the rest of the weekend being carried from place to place - to her dollhouse - to lunch - to the couch, etc.) and gave her a baggie full of delicious gingerbread cookies to make her feel better. SUCH a nice thing to do. Not many people are willing to reach out to strangers anymore. Although - as members of the same community, we should be doing that everyday for one another. Anyway.... what a great, supportive gesture. I meant to mention it earlier.

OK - Now - so the Pro-Life protesters with nothing better to do than stand where young, impressionable, innocent, preschool-age children going to the store or to lunch with their parents can see them should remember to - First, not show such graphic images (and - were they 8 feet tall? Ten feet? Doesn't matter - my kindergartner coming home from his fun, positive, end of year school show was near tears and will now have nightmares) to a presumably G-rated audience. I'm assuming you people are the same people who pontificate on the corruption of youth and the excessive violence, sexuality, etc. in society. I guess it's Ok then to show mutilated babies - AND pass them off as photos of early termination pregnancies. They are not - obviously. These are near full term babies who have been subjected to other horrible medical procedures and probably for reasons, obviously, not decided upon by parents but probably sadly impressed upon them - either late-term pregnancy issues or other awful problems OR - these photos are the result of some illegal procedures, which is a different matter entirely - AND agree or disagree, I still would not drag kids into it - and I mean like, again, kindergartners and preschoolers - inappropriate no matter how you look at it. Doing this makes light of other people's pain and it exploits the young lives lost to such tragedies. Second - and I say this neither Pro-Life nor Pro-Choice - please UNDERSTAND what you are protesting and what you are presenting. I respect everyone's opinion. I do not respect uninformed, ignorant propaganda enthusiasts with, obviously, no regard for the community they are trying to save. Pathetic. Thank you - you idiots at Edgewood Towne Centre have done nothing but hurt people today. Nothing else. Well... you did get me to mention it.... and maybe that is your ridiculous method... who knows.... I had to say something....

OK - AND I will also END on a positive note.... I got a shoe coupon today for DSW. B-day coming up (so happy, happy to all you other fellow Geminis :-). I love shoe coupons :-). Besides... the sound of my Enzo and Lil outside playing "zoo keeper" and tag with the neighbor kids AND my Olivia and Milo making cupcakes together in the kitchen - it's just like music to my ears... if you like music that involves a lot of yelling and mixer sounds, that is. So there ;-p.

I've even included some photos: Lil on a walk - just down the street - with Daddy... this afternoon. See... all good. My rants are harmless ;-).

Disgusted

I just read an article about adoptive parents sympathizing with other parents who "give the child back" to the orphanage - agency - whatever - and even relaying stories in which they, themselves, have done the same thing or thought about doing the same thing. In most cases, the children are unruly and have problems - also, they are normally international adoptions - a large number of them Russian adoptions (with severe behavioral issues, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc.), like the little boy in the news who was put on a plane by his adoptive mother and sent back to Russia with a note saying that she no longer wanted him.

I want to know, as an adopted person AND as a parent, why these people who do this - abandon their adopted children - are not held accountable in the same way a biological parent would be?! They are parents (and these "monsters" they describe are KIDS) - they signed up for the joy and the challenges - professing to accept the difficult with the smooth sailing - just like any new parents who are expecting a child. They legally adopt the child - bring him or her into their homes and then.... decide not to keep him / her - ???? So much for being "mommy and daddy". What does this mean / imply for any of us adoptees who consider ourselves no different than our non-adopted brothers and sisters? Are we really NOT part of the family? Are we easier to discard? Is it true what so many ignorant people have implied over the years - that we are not our parents' "real" children - that we belong with someone else - that we have no background - that any argument or misunderstanding with our parents is because "we are adopted" - that only the "blood family" matters - blah blah blah. I KNOW there have probably been some difficulties - kids who need therapy - kids who are violent, etc., but... again - you signed up for it.... and wouldn't you stick it out with your biological child? You wouldn't have a choice. If they need psych help, they need psych help - very sad - very scary - but YOUR responsibility - the hand you were dealt...

I know that most of the ridiculous, uninformed comments I have been subjected to over the years don't bother me. I'm secure in my relationships, AND I am aware of those family members who didn't accept me (they also have a long list of racial biases, don't like "yankees" and have been divorced numerous times - oh -I'm so hurt - and, remember, I NEVER use sarcasm ;-) were vocal about it, and... were chastised and looked down upon for their comments. Most of the time, my cousins - my siblings forget that I'm adopted - I've even begun filling out medical history on forms before and... then catch myself. I forget to disclaim why I am Italian, and my family is not.... No worries - totally second nature to me.

It does bug me, though. This type of article makes me think that it's not only idiot comedians or cheap jokesters in crappy comedies or movies that say things like "you're adopted - your parents don't even love you" like it's the mother of all insults. Give me a break; you just made yourself look like an ass - not to mention insulted a large number of the population. It's not funny to joke about the Pitt-Jolies and which kids are "theirs" or not - it's not appropriate to make a big deal out of a biological child when you don't of an adopted child (still give a baby shower - still give presents - offer congrats - send food - same schtick as if the couple went through a 9 mo. pregnancy).

Just my two cents. What do you think?

Another (sigh....) Day.

Spoiler alert: This one has a semi-happy ending :-).

I coerced Enzo into going to tennis today only to discover that tennis was canceled. I had to find he and Olivia to tell them that they had to take the bus home today. I walked the whole school with Lilliana screaming like a crazed monkey on my shoulder - even when we had to actually enter Olivia's art class.

Lilliana head-butted me in gymnastics and both her nose and my nose bled.

I bought new eye shadow (oooo - exciting), but Lilliana smashed it on the pavement when we got home.

Milo broke our bathroom sink (like snapped the pipe off - apparently, playing hide n seek - and not the first time he's done it - doesn't matter - our kitchen ceiling is wet and stained anyway due to years of my boys flooding the bathroom at bathtime).

Lilliana broke my laundry basket - another one no longer useable.

All this in a two to three hour period with constant supervision.

Two things come to mind:

First - that I'm used to all this.... Our dining room table's finish has been ruined and it is covered in crayon - our leather chair has black pen all over it - our carpets in two of the bedrooms are stained with milk, chocolate and Coca Cola (and the one in the TV room has had full bowls of popcorn dumped on it so often, any time you walk on it, despite repeated attempts to vacuum thoroughly, little kernels skittle off onto the hard wood floor - which reminds me - that is on my list today too... for the third time this week) - most of our lamp shades are broken - the carpet in our entryway has been partially ripped up - our back door and new screen door are painted with supposedly washable kids paint - our antique radio is missing buttons and has the front ripped out of it - our antique toy box / bench has chunks of wood missing from it - two shelves in the refrigerator are broken because so many little ones have "helped" me get juice, etc. - OH MY - it hurts to go on. I can remember each of these accidents or incidents as vividly as if they occurred yesterday. So... anyway...

(Deep breath) Second - on the bright side (remember my resolve to always focus on this ;-).... Lilliana does work hard in gymnastics - executes all the tricks - loves her teacher - flies on the trampoline. Milo is fun-loving and physically active - talented kid - creative, silly. Enzo gets to ride his beloved bus today like a big boy (so proud of my kindergartner) - Olivia looked so happy sitting in her art class (the same room she's worked in for years :-), working on a fabulous portrait of Zooey Deschanel, in her uniform, all her friends & classmates around her laughing and enjoying one another - All of our splashy, soapy baths - all of our giggly, messy deck painting sessions - all of our family meals complete with customized mashed potatoes and write-on placemats are.... well... fabulous - just great - beautiful. Wouldn't trade it all for the world.

A LOT of tantrums this week - privileges taken away - hearing myself say with increasing frequency - "Do you think I'm kidding?" I feel intolerant, shrill and walked on. I'm Ok (only a few moments behind closed doors when, stomach aching, breathing shallow, I let the tears roll - only to be jolted back to reality, sometimes seconds into my 15 min of "walk away" time by - "you lost my skinny jeans!" or "i pulled one of your new glass knobs off your dresser, but ..... it wasn't my fault", followed by crying, crying, crying - which is, exactly, what brought me back today - onward....), but...um... does anybody have an aspirin or something ;-)?