Purpose? And tattoos?

As you all know, this has been a BIG question with me lately. Big one. Like ... all-consuming big one. I sit in my house this am - in my funky flannels and my tacky purple skull and crossbones shirt - poking at my cherry clafoutis, which didn't set properly but tastes OK (see recipe - earlier post)and does so because hubby brought me the world's tastiest cherries from Whole Foods the other night (attempting to encourage something that interests me, I think :-) - gazing sadly at my dead coffeemaker and sulkily drinking my sub-par English breakfast tea (I'm low on tea bags too - and made this batch too weak - ugh - my sweet Dad bought me that coffeemaker complete with cappuccino capabilities back when my recently departed ex had taken the one my friends had given me, and my Dad noticed that it made me sad :-) - sniff - those days are gone) - and.... I'm trying to figure out JUST what it is that I do well.

This morning, as hubby was off to work and I was.... well... still gazing about the kitchen, he attempted to cheer me up, saying, "You take care of this house of 6 so well - I mean... um... look... everything in its place... clean... kids happy." And... I can't help but let my mind wander to the fact that.... well - they won't be happy for long; they'll fight (and props to Olivia for helping a great deal yesterday with the chaos as well as breaking up a particularly nasty and fierce knockdown / drag-out on the landing this am as I attempted a shower with no luck). And... this laundry, dusting, vacuuming thing? Boring. And guess what's for dinner AGAIN tonight? Chicken and mashed potatoes and glazed carrots and... what's that? You're losing interest? Drifting a bit? Yeah.... me too.

So ... good news for hubby - a web site that he worked on was randomly chosen by Crain's Business as one of their top 10 for 2010. He is being interviewed on Tuesday along with his content person and account manager (and, btw, I "Freudingly" typed "we worked on..." instead of "he worked on..." earlier before correcting - See, I often feel these PR chicks are doing my job - we did, after all, work together for years.... YEARS!). He also has little kid soccer draft this evening - beers after with his coaching friends.... Olivia has a birthday dinner with a friend (not to mention a pool party hosted by one of her camp friends at her house in Sewickley tomorrow night - a community I highly covet - wish I would have known Pittsburgh better when I first moved here). I am doing nothing - literally nothing. I had a few tentative plans fall through for the weekend - plus have not scheduled a hair appointment yet and now hubby wants to take the boys fishing tomorrow. All good. I'll find something.

I'm feeling restless, I think. My arms are sore from a really good workout yesterday (yeah - I kicked my own ass - thinking about doing it again today - one positive that occurs when I get bored is my urge to exercise more... so... gotta work that, I think ;-), and.... I have to say... last evening .... as I mixed and baked and Lil sat on the floor and cut (and ate) little orange cherry tomatoes with her plastic IKEA knife and we unpacked our CSA basket and I could hear my boys and the neighbors playing in the "clubhouse" through the screen door - that whole laughter on the air bit - being called into dinner - just great retro "play in the neighborhood" stuff (hi, free rangers :-), life was GOOD - like goooooood.

Now, I can't say that I didn't have a restless moment yesterday. In fact, I had a big one. On our way to the "concussion test" at Oakland Catholic (and, no, they don't smack them in the head and then ask a series of questions - we know they don't - we asked ;-) with my Olivia and her two friends, Molly and Caroline, in the car.... ANOTHER friend texted a photo of her cartilege piercing from a tattoo parlor on the Southside (hi, Olivia B). Now... I have to digress a bit.... A few weeks before, when this friend expressed her desire to have this piercing, my Olivia showed her my ear - two holes through the cartilege - way up high, and.... I HAD to tell her the equivalent of our parents "walked 10 miles in the snow to school" story - my piercing story. How I got it done like at the mall - and it was awful and didn't work - and I had pain and yukiness - and then..... my friend got another tattoo and I went along and this super cool piercing artist said to me, "I can fix that", and he did - with a big long hollow needle - left it in - told me to keep a certain kind of jewelry in it, etc. Another digression..... I DID develop a little crush on him (remember that, mina? ;-), BUT he did fix it. I let it close when EVERYONE started to pierce EVERYTHING. Now, however, I often gaze longingly at tattoos. Cool ones - like the bright, pastel-y, flowery sleeves that look so great on some people (I'm looking at you, Jamie, on last season's Top Chef). Immediately, I engaged poor Molly in a conversation about tattoos (hey - she was willing :-) - and Kat Von D and LA Ink (oh Kat, do you remember the days after Lil was born in the hospital and I watched you on TLC all night? - limited viewing there - but I got sucked in - like a soap opera). Anyway, I did get this urge to floor it - and speed my minivan to the Southside to check out the piercing and to peruse tattoos. I didn't. I went straight to the "concussion test" :-).

So .... what's up with y'all today? I found this cereal - Cascadian Farm (Kids), organic, Fruitful O's - as we shopped organics in the Market District at Giant Eagle yesterday ... whole grain, sweetened with fruit juice AND iron-fortified. Good news as Milo needs a follow up blood test for his iron saturation problem in the next few days, and HE was the one who picked it out - go figure. Also - I made my flu shot appointments (poor Milo needs the shot as he was admitted to the hospital for Croup last year - the others, including my two year old, can do the mist). They are NOT doing separate flu and H1N1 this year, so that's good. Also, I go to a busy practice, and they are scheduling two dates in Sept. They left their message for me the other day, but... the appointments aren't even close to filling up yet - also good news. So - if you are flu shot people, gotta think about getting that scheduled already.

Photos: Yep - more that my kids took of me...;-).

Gotta go - planning to throw the Wii into the backyard for good today :-), but... legos are grabbing some interest now, and... Lil is full of "secrets" today, whispered in my ear (and totally enamored of her fancy new hair clips - we should all take a lesson on the bright side from Lil :-), so.... something good is a brewin'..... and I will meditate on that as I head off to re-wash the kitchen floor, bleach a load of whites and Olivia's grease-stained shorts, fill out some more school paperwork and clean out the produce drawers in the fridge. Good times.

Lost

No - not me.... and definitely not the TV show. Yesterday, as I was feeling ultra-organized, having just attended a community event with all kids in tow and... throughout the lengthy event, I was able to produce whatever my restless kiddies needed - juice? got it. goldfish crackers? got those. multi-grain crackers? those too. In fact, I had little pretend play dollies, coloring books, electronic games, raisins, etc. all stuffed into my big black Kate Spade diaper bag (with which I have a love / hate relationship - too heavy, but ... man - does it hold a lot or what?!?!) - I was SET. At home, I efficiently made dinner and put away laundry - I began preparing back packs for school - dished out homework advice - worked on my own project - all with little to no chaos.... until I noticed that Lil had a big pile of photos laid out all over the stairs and was kissing some - folding others - just having a great time with them. I went about my business, thinking - how cute - until.... I realized that they were the photos I had spent HOURS organizing the other day. I ran to get them - only.... now.... there were only ten or so there - the others TOTALLY gone - I mean, we searched high and low. Gone.

Like the rest of you, I'm sure, I do NOT like losing things. Recently, I was getting ready to go out, and... one of my beloved silver hoop earrings flipped out of my hand and landed near my slippers next to my wardrobe. I knelt down and searched. Nothing. I had just seen it fall! Searched more - nothing. To this day - no earring (and it was a pair my Mom picked out just for me - which made me feel good - on the heels of another favorite pair breaking ... anyway, it just sucked). So... photos make me nuts. I get extremely nervous dealing with photos - downloading, burning CDs, moving them, copying them..... because I love them SO MUCH :-). My mind was racing - I even lost my appetite - WHERE were those photos? I thought about a story from when I was kid. My parents had a dinner party - lots of my Dad's work friends - an interesting group - had lived all over - were funny - had known us all forever.... Anyway, I was sitting around the kitchen table with a bunch of the kids there - my brothers, etc., and.... this boy I knew took one of my favorite dolls and jokingly threw her glasses (yes, she wore glasses - I accessorized my dolls in strange ways - some had braces - others had very short sporty haircuts... Anyway...) over his shoulder. We all saw them land next to a chair. I went to get them - no glasses. We all searched - no glasses. To this day - no glasses. Just weird. So.... the photos, right? Anyway - I found them behind a couch cushion at like midnight. so... I suppose all these lost things are somewhere - maybe right in front of us, and... for some reason, we just can't see them - maybe they just don't want to be found. Speaking of weird.... I digress....

OK - so the photo today is relevant to being lost because.... it was Mother's Day two years ago (and, as that date approaches again, I am reminded again of that time in my life). I should have been on top of the world - a new baby - a happy grade schooler and preschooler - one still at home with me .... All good, right? But... I had just lost a few people to illness, which was sad. I had another friend who was sick - plus I was feeling detached from my group of friends. Also, I didn't have a support group nearby. I was chubby so couldn't wear ANY of my clothes. My hubby was enjoying a great professional and personal life during the week without me, and ... on weekends, we were preoccupied with our respective lives. It was odd. AND it all exploded a few weeks after this. People got sicker -family members got meaner - hubby and I drifted further apart - I worked a fundraiser by myself - my hair got uglier .... And... to his day, it all bothers me. Why me, right? Why do other people enjoy support and love and I was so alone during this time? My kids kept me going. I love them so much. We took a Disney trip shortly after, and.... I did feel better (I don't know why that worked, but it did - though I do remember still feeling very shaky -but appreciative that, finally, people close to me did actually realize that I existed).

As Mother's Day approaches this year, I wonder what we'll do. Other people have to split their day with family, but... I doubt anyone will be interested. I'm feeling some detachment lately from those close to me, but.... I will NEVER let ANYONE make me feel like I did then. Not fair. I need to move on, but... I will not forget. It made me a different person. Digressing again. So... in past years, we've done the Race for the Cure (which I highly recommend) - we've done brunch with my mother-in-law - we've visited my Mom... We'll see.... my little Enzo has already starting shopping for me (like my Olivia used to... in fact, I'll probably look at photos of when it was just she and I and cry those bittersweet "memory tears" ;-)- we have a fundraiser to attend that weekend - probably lacrosse - so... maybe it'll be just like any other day - but I do take that day to remember how much I appreciate my kids every year, and I will do the same this year. Sometimes, they are my only comfort. I think we all feel that now and then.... I mean ... our hubbies try to understand, but.... it's hard .... different lives, different days..... Being a mom can be so many things at one time - isolating, rewarding, fantastic, trying..... up and down.... all the time. And ... we wouldn't trade it for the the world.... but... communicating that constant dichotomy - especially to our spouses - can be tricky.... Anyway, ladies.... weigh in on it / discuss amongst yourselves... You know your comments are always welcome here :-).

Obstacles

So ... I was going to write about my laundry room today or lack thereof ... not in a 50's housewife kind of way, but... more in a "I'm neat and clean and really envy the beautiful laundry rooms I see on HGTV with new cool appliances in funky colors and little baskets full of sorts of fresh smelling laundry ecoutrements" way. Living in a house that is 100+ years old, a lot has been redone - to the point that a house we lived in once that had been built in the '60's wasn't as updated as our current much older house - but... still, we have a grimy sandstone basement with exposed walls - we have layers of paint on some areas of the house - our porch is in disrepair - our roof is still slate and expensive to fix -that kind of stuff. So.... I realized - it's not just the lovely first floor (no running the stairs), pristine laundry room that I long to have - it is a house free of worries - OR - more realistically, a house that doesn't add to the obstacles in my day.

Everyday, I have a number of obstacles. First, getting school uniforms upstairs to sleepy kids, waking up over their cereal, eggs and granola bars. Hubby showers while I dig through drawers (today, for example, we had all the shirts, pants, skirts, etc., but... of the socks in my daughter's drawer, none of them were going to work with her shoes today - did I mention they wear uniforms??? - same %$#@!* shoes everyday!), make lunches, dress the little ones, fill back packs with gym shoes - piano books - checks for fundraisers and field trips, make the beds (no one, but me, it appears, has time), etc. I've been through all this before. On top of all that, I have a high maintenance client right now making constant demands and maddening revisions to a project already in progress. I like the client - I really like my designer "go between", but... I am stressed. Another obstacle. My mind is not on what it should be.

I find that I have this tendency to panic a bit. OK - everybody out the door (though, today, I hear reports that my 5 year old is now saying he's not feeling well - must remain on deck for pick-up) - now.... I can work... Wait! Little ones who weren't hungry 10 min. ago now want breakfast. They want honey, peanut butter and whole grain crackers. This is sticky and needs to be assembled. While I am assembling, I remember that I have had an important school RSVP filled out for days now, but... have missed the deadline for turn-in. I also notice out of the corner of my eye that my kindergartner (remember - young for his class, so... does extra handwriting, cutting and other number, phonics practice to keep up - enjoys it - but hard for me to find a quiet moment to spend with him working) has brought home his extra work folder and, in it, is a bunch of extra cutting practice (great - it appears I have allowed him to fall behind - and why? Because I hide our kid scissors from the two year old then cannot find them myself, so... buy more... only to lose them again .... only to forget to practice...ugh). Hmmm .... gotta get ALL that organized.

PLUS ... this is an odd time of year... winter coats accompany spring jackets in our entry way - winter boots have been retired, but... rain boots, running shoes, sports cleats, etc. litter the floor in the hall. I need to make the house liveable (put away these shoes and ALL the baskets of laundry, filling bedrooms, hallways, laundry area IN ADDITION TO getting new blinds on critical windows currently without - like boys' bedroom, kitchen, upstairs bathroom - hello neighbors! Another ugh). I really just want to listen to Lilliana sing songs - play board games with Milo - take Enzo grocery shopping for yummy recipe items - see ALL of Olivia's lacrosse games - even get my own hair cut or go for a walk (haven't done either in a loooong time - I envy the runners and walkers I see going by my house - I get embarrassed about my appearance), but.... I'm trying to hurdle all these obstacles.

Suggestions anyone? I may just be venting, but... the more I write, the better I feel. Odd? Anyway.... I'm sure a lot of you know what I'm trying to say here.

In closing, here's a story to put it all in perspective. My Olivia made me aware of this months ago (all over YouTube), and... maybe you've heard about it too, but... it's the story of baby Eliot, born with a rare genetic disease with a low survival rate, and his family, and... their wonderful celebration of his short life - 99 days. When he died, they released 99 balloons in his memory and started a foundation of the same name (99 Balloons) to help families with special needs kids. Amazing. The family has since had two healthy kids (ages 18 mos. and 3 mos. - the youngest another boy), and they have two blogs - here and here.

Photo: My grown-up, sensitive Olivia and friends before a school dance. Beautiful.

Birds are singing...

... and it is a beautiful day. Brand new buds on all the trees - wet, windy spring air - smells muddy, green and like whatever is on the wind is something you haven't felt in months.....

My kids are all off to school - except for lil Lil who was up coughing last night. Despite the frustration that waking in the night with a little one creates, I have to admit that I still love the opportunity to soothe and hold her - kissing her head, rubbing her back. It is definitely one of those moments to keep....

So... hubby and I up and watching silly shows and movie into the wee hours, drinking tea, talking, joking. Rare for us these days.

A lot on my mind today... Amy at Callapitter (see my blog list - especially today - and send good thoughts her way) and the loss of her beautiful kids a year ago - the poor people, in our neck of the woods really, who lost loved ones in the West Virginia coal mine accident - my Dad and how he would have been hanging on every last moment of the NCAA final game :-) - my little Enzo and how, as we struggle with our decision to either repeat kindergarten or let him move on first grade, youngest in his class (and young enough to miss the public school cut-off but just make the private school one for K) but smart and very eager to be challenged (THRIVES on it), he doesn't understand some of the questions we pose to him about moving on to a harder class or staying with his friends (wants to stay with his safe K teachers but keep his friends - "I don't understand, Mommy." - need to keep it our decision and support him either way :-) - my Olivia as she begins her last few months at her beloved St. Bede - my friend, Kim, and her sweet boy, Jake, who is sick right now and has been sick off and on for some time (she has incredible strength - and has asked for additional prayers for her little girl, Eliza, who is consumed with worry for her big brother).... and, of course, Easter makes me miss my childhood, my grandparents, my carefree runaround time with my cousins :-) all those years ago.

There is a lot I could focus on now that is self-directed (how I miss doctor and dentist appointments in order to get everyone else's scheduled - how I never get my hair cut or dyed anymore - how I can't shop even for kids' underwear without little ones hanging off of me - how me and hubby can't get a weekend or overnight babysitter to work out so we can just spend ONE night together, which we have not done in YEARS) - instead, I'm trying to focus all that energy towards others who need strength, and... I'm trying to honor the memory of those no longer with us by honing in on everything I have that is truly special. Worries be damned - it's time to get serious about positive thinking and feeling :-).

Happy spring, all. Let's try to improve the mood of at least one person today - let's try to hug our kids more than we usually do (so Tiger Woods' pathetic laments that he missed his son's first birthday couldn't be falling on deafer ears this morning) - and let's make a mental list of all we have that is good. Peace to all of you dealing with pain and loss today (and there is a lot around us despite all the greenery and beautiful blue skies - my Olivia is serving a funeral mass this morning...), and... I really mean that - through tears - REALLY mean that :-) because I know there are a lot of you out there, so dear to me, who have lost parents, spouses, sisters and brothers, and this time of year.... well, we just want them here with us, don't we?

Anyway - here's a scary but happy ending story (again, those of you with kids... take note!), and.... some retail therapy - a Pottery Barn Kids Spring Sale - to keep us on the positive side of things. And... a local "must do / must see" - Maggie, who I've highlighted before for her knitting prowess (and her business) will be at The "I Made It Market" at Southside Works this Saturday - check it out here. Because (and you know how I like to get on my soapbox), there is so much in life to celebrate - so much to get out and DO!

Please visit Callapitter and give Amy your support - look at the photos of her beautiful kids and just give it all a little bit of thought - today is a hard day for her. Maybe find a way to honor their memory in some way .... Kate and Peter, 6 and 4 when they died. Very sad. I have no words for such a tremendous, senseless loss.

As I've been saying lately... happy spring .... really.

I can dream, can't I?

Ok - I'm really having a Holden Caulfield moment (and, no, I don't want to be the one who catches the children as they play in the rye - I'm just going to voice an odd daydream that I have - I have a tendency to dwell on unusual ideas - outcast revelations that, given enough credence, could become reality)... I have this odd "dream" in which I have this group of friends and acquaintances - my cousins - new people now and then (always good to include others and expand your own horizons :-) - and we hang together all the time - various settings. After a long day with kids and the daily grind, they come over late evening - all of us with our respective families safe and asleep or upstairs quietly watching TV or doing homework - and we watch "chick movies" or talk over red wine and coffee. No one cares that my kids' artwork hangs in the dining room or that a toy pink kitchen sits in the front hall or even that the table linens my mother gave me have been sitting, folded and neat, but in the exact same spot for weeks now, waiting to be put away. We could light candles, have a fire, sit on cozy pillows - they would feel comfortable raiding my pantry or fridge for toffutti ice cream sandwiches or peanut butter-filled pretzels. Maybe we even have a daytime hang-out - kid-friendly - lots of coffee - healthy lunch options - music we like - occasional trunk shows for mom and kid-friendly clothes and accessories - fun stuff on the walls (or maybe we contribute the "art" on the walls - drawings - our own musings and poetry). Hmmmm.... maybe I should open such a place. I think it was the initial inspiration behind my "trendy mom cafe" here - and the restless descriptor I give my blog. Again... food for thought....

Photos: Just some funny stuff (need to laugh after yesterday :-) - Milo being Milo (and, by the way, the weird ball photo was taken because Milo went shopping with me alone and picked out bouncy balls for everyone in the family to play with - everyone got their own color - just sweet and funny) - Enzo looking sweet - athlete Olivia and her lacrosse goggle marks - funny baby Lil (and I think there's even an image of my late Jetta :-( in the background in one of them)....

Lastly - important recall information on some Infantino baby slings. Please give the link a look. Honestly, over 90 percent of the mothers I see using infant slings are using them the wrong way - have baby totally covered - have them deep in the sling - the baby is too curled up - the baby is waaay under 4 months old - or the baby is trying to nurse while mommy takes a walk or goes about her business WITH the infant's face firmly planted in her flesh - not good. Beware of emulating some these women, appropriately dressed in organic cottons with "namaste" or "mama for Obama" emblazoned across their chests (and I am a fan of both, btw - may have had one or both emblazoned across my own chest at one time, so... like I always say... grain of salt with me....) who think that just spouting breastfeeding, organic baby food and cloth diaper info. like they are experts makes them the perfect "earth mother" with knowledge on "how to" do it all right flowing from them like environmentally sound purified water.... they ... um ....may not have it right (again - apologies for the snarkiness, but... I was reprimanded by one of my "friends" for commenting that her baby was smashed up and facing in (thought I was helping - making her aware of a potentially dangerous situation) to which she responded that "they liked it like this" - "best to be that close to the mother - covered like in the womb" blah blah blah. I was pregnant at the time and dealing with a kid's b-day party, so ... let it go - wrote my appalled reaction off to hormones or whatever - but now... years later, feel that maybe I should have corrected her in front of some of these women - some who are now new mothers and... who knows... may have listened to all that - and mimicked a dangerous scenario).